and making them forget everything and shit.
Like, one seems logical to me, the others seems stupid.
And you talked to other people, they're like,
"They're both stupid, you idiot," like...
It's all just made-up bullshit.
But, so anyway,
he kisses Lois, she forgets about everything that happened.
and then, you know, he walks away, and she goes,
"Jimmy, what's happening in the world??"'
You know, and everyone's looking at her, like "What are you, fucking stupid?.
Superman just-- You want to care to step outside, General?.
He just fought the fucking Kryptonian criminals
and put them down and shit".
So, after that,
as we learn in Superman Returns,
he took off and went into deep space
Iooking for anything left of Krypton or any other Kryptonians and shit
because, presumably, he feels lonely.
He is the only one of his kind and shit.
He comes back in Superman Returns.
You know, tells his mom what he was doing and shit,
Iike she didn't already know.
And, you know, we learn
that he couldn't find anybody else out there,
and he's by himself and he's lonely,
and that leads to the fucking whiny, emo Superman
that we see through most of the movie.
Where he's just like, "Nobody understands me."'
"I'm just going to hang out outside Lois' window and look".
Which was kind of creepy.
But anyway...
Lois Lane, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, okay?.
I'll go with the fact that she can't differentiate between this and this.
I'll let that ride
because I've been reading comics for years,
and I'm like, "Right on, man, the fucking glasses."'
She just can't see.
She can't believe that Clark Kent would be Superman and shit.
So the glasses she's just stupid over.
I'll go with that.
What I have a hard time going with is
Pulitzer Prize-winning Lois Lane
has a kid and doesn't know who the father is,
even when the kid pitches a piano across the fucking room.
Which he does in that movie.
And you're led to believe that it's the first time he's ever done it,
because she has this reaction on her face like,
"Did he just throw a piano at somebody??"'
"Like, maybe this kid is Superman's kid".
Like she has this dawning, you know, face--
expression on her and whatnot.
So Superman gets the crap beat out of him
on a rock island and shit.
And then fucking falls in the ocean,
and then he's sick and in the hospital,
which is fucking dumb anyway.
So he's laid up in the hospital,
and Lois Lane comes in to see him in a very poignant scene and whatnot,
and crawls onto the bed with him
and whispers something to him that we can't hear
but you're lead to believe is
"You're not alone. You have a child.
"My child is your child,
"and so obviously there is a Kryptonian like you.
he's half-human, half-Kryptonian,
but you're not alone, Superman".
And then he gets peppy again and gets out of his fucking bed
and starts whipping around the world
and smiling and waving at the camera and taking off again.
You know, and everything's back to the way it was
in the Donner universe of Superman movies and shit.
And what bugged me about that is
why didn't Lois Lane march into the hospital room
and be like, "When did you rape me, Superman??"'
"Because I just saw my kid "pitch a piano across the fucking room,
"and it makes me think your part kid--
"my kid is part your kid and part my kid,
"but I don't remember us fucking ever.
"So when did that happen?.
Did you slip me his fucking super-roofie or something?. Because--"
"l would have remembered something like that
unless you truly are faster than a speeding bullet."'
"And I'm pressing charges. I'm filing charges
because you raped me and I hate you now," you know.
So, you know, that was a movie
where I was stoked to see a sequel slash remake,
but didn't quite pan out for me.
Hopefully the next one is fucking brilliant.
And I saw an inter view where Bryan Singer gave,
where he was like, "The next Superman movie
is going to be total Wrath of Khan. "
Which is great terminology, you know,
for those of us who are familiar with the Star Trek movies,
and I'm sure that's a lot of us.
Because the Superman sequel is to Wrath of Khan
as Superman Returns is to Star Trek The Motion Picture
because Wrath of Khan is a brilliant fucking pimp movie
that you can even sit a non-Trek fan down to watch
and they're like, "This is bad-ass!"
Star Trek The Motion Picture is so fucking boring.
It is, like, half an hour, 45 minutes of glory shots of the Enterprise.
That's it. Like because it's the first time they made a big-budget version of it,
and they always had a little model on strings and shit.
And said, like, "We're going to show shit off."'
And it's just nothing but a neverending series of--
[imitating soundtrack music]
[continues]
Just constantly pimping shit and you're like,
Would you fucking shoot a Klingon or do something, man?.
This is fucking boring.
So Superman Returns is to Star Trek The Motion Picture
as the Superman Returns sequel, I assume,
will be to Wrath of Khan,
which means hopefully Superman will get to punch somebody.
[Man] And what do you think
of the Escape From New York remake they're doing?.
Doesn't that-- The Escape From New York thing
just seems too soon to me.
Like, I was talking to Len Wiseman, the guy that did Die Hard 4,
and he was like, "They asked me to direct Escape From New York, "
he's like, "l just don't want to be known
as the sequel remake guy."'
I'm like, "Plus, it's just too soon, man."'
Like, "You pop that movie in, it's still watchable."'
You don't sit there going, like, "Ugh!
This was made in the fucking '50s" and shit like that.
You know, it's like, this was made,
I mean, granted, when I was a kid,
and some people here probably weren't born.
but still, you can pop it in and watch it, and it doesn't--
since it was a quasi-futuristic movie,
you're not sitting there
watching people wearing parachute pants
and going "What the fuck is that??"' you know?.
I don't know. Just to me, it didn't seem like a movie
that fucking merited remaking
by any stretch of the imagination.
But who knows?. I mean,
I thought about Dawn of the Dead the same way.
When they announced they were remaking Dawn of the Dead,
I was like, "What a terrible idea,
Dawn of the Dead is a brilliant movie."'
And Zach Snyder made
a pimp fucking version of Dawn of the Dead.
So--
So it all depends whose hands it falls into.
Maybe it'll fall into very talented hands,
and you're going to be like,
"This is a genius fucking duplicate version
of Escape From New York. "
[Man] But no angerment
over not Kurt Russell in that?.
I don't know. That doesn't bother me.
- And he's mad about it?. - Yeah.
He just got to be in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
He should be happy.
Fuck him!
Yeah, fuck him.
I don't know, especially having played the character twice--
if somebody-- 30 years down the road,
if somebody was like,
"Somebody else is going to play Silent Bob,"
I wouldn't be like, "What?. No. That's my role. I'm coming."'
It would be like when they were making the Batman movie,
and Adam West was kind of trying to be in it,
and people were like, "Come on, dude.
"We're going a different way altogether.
"Plus, you're in your 50s by now.
Let it ride."'
It wouldn't bother me at all
if they tried to recast Silent Bob.
So I don't know why he's pissed about the Snake Plissken thing.
How many times can he do it?.
Especially after fucking Escape From L.A.,
which was fucking terrible.
You didn't like Escape From L.A.?.
When he's surfing at one point?. Yipes.
Took everything we knew about Snake Plissken
and fucking made a joke of it.
John McClane surfed on a truck.
John McClane surfing on a plane is believable to me.
I bought that.
I remember reading that script, going--
I stopped on that page,
and I was like "John McClane on the wing of a jet of a plane.
No, I'll go with it."'
It was a weird-- It was weird
being in the room with that dude, too.
I wasn't there when he was doing this on the plane,
but that was fucking pimp.
That was actually a pimp experience
because some cats asked me how--
how I got in the movie,
and I'm like, "Honestly, I don't--"
You know what it was?.
An Evening with Kevin Smith
has been the best audition tape I ever made in my life,
because after An Evening with Kevin Smith,
I started getting offers for, like, Catch and Release
and Die Hard all came off of that because--
The reason I got into Catch and Release
is because Susannah Grant saw An Evening with Kevin Smith
and was just like, "l think you have
"a wonderfully human side to you
"that people don't often see
as the mute character you normally play."'
So I was like, "Right on."'
And Deb Aquila cast that movie, so she cast Die Hard as well,
and she was like "Hey, we got a small role
for a dude who just hangs out in his house
"and he's on the computer all the time
and he's a little overweight and doesn't really go out."'
I'm like, "Just bring the camera to my house because..."'
Because let me tell you, there ain't going to be any acting involved.
We went in, met with Len Wiseman, who's a cool guy,
and we bonded over Ain't It Cool News.
He's like, "They hate me there."' I was like, "They hate me there, too."'
They hate everybody there, except for Fincher.
You know, they seemed to like Fincher until he made Zodiac,
and then they're like, "Fucking Zodiac's boring."'
Like, dude, you can't win with AlCN and the TalkBacks.
They just hate. That's their fucking reason for being.
So we bonded over that, then I gave a reading.
And it was a fine reading. It wasn't very good.
But what I did was they sent me pages--
sides, they call them-- from the script,
and you're supposed to come in with those memorized.
And the sides were kind of weak.
It was just kind of really bad, almost like--
I was almost like Potsie from Happy Days.
That was the writer's idea of a nerd,
was just like, "Gee shucks, Mr. McClane," you know.
So I was just like, "l think I can do better than this."'
So I took them, and I rewrote the lines.
[laughter]
Because fuck it, I didn't think I was going to get the job anyway.
So I'm like, "lf I'm going to go in there,
I'm not going to embarrass myself with this shit on the page,"
also I'm not a talented actor.
An actor can take shit that's written on the page,
deliver it exactly as it's written on the page,
and make you fucking believe it.
You sit there going, like, "Oh my God,
this is happening right now, this shit's real."'
Clint Eastwood really hangs out with a monkey.
Like it's--
But I'm not a good actor.
You know, because I can't take the words as written
and fucking say them and have them sound real.
They sound stilted and fake coming out of my mouth.
So I just change it up
and just put it in my own parlance, if you will.
My own patois.
And it sounds a little more believable and shit,
but that's not true acting.
When I was doing Catch and Release,
Tim Olyphant would make fun of me for doing that all the time.
"Tim Olyphantastic" as we call him.
He would just fucking berate me all the time.
I like Tim. Tim was a good cat, but he's a very odd guy.
I had a real weird relationship with him.
Because I liked him in Go, and I liked him in...
there's a couple of movies I saw him in.
I thought he was kind of pimp and shit.
And we met, I met him on the set and we got along really well.
But every once in a while he would just, like, take these shots at me and shit,
where I was like, "What am l?. In fucking sophomore year
"and you're the fucking jock,
"and I'm the fucking fat dude in school,
"and you're going to use me as a target when other people are around,
but when nobody's around, we're friends??"'
Which is kind of revealing about my childhood,
the more I think about it.
But he would just take weird shots.
I think it might have had something to do with--
my character was easily likable.
I was the fat comic relief in that movie.
I had all the jokes, so the studio liked the dailies.
And the studio was kind of coming down
on weird shit about Tim, like "We hate his hair."'
They really concentrate on the male lead
because that's what's going up on the trailer, on the poster,
and Garner's perfect.
And so they go over to this guy
and this dude's--
they're trying to pick him apart and be like,
"Change his hair, he's coming across too gruff,
he's not strong romantically."'
Whatever. All the criticism he was kind of hearing.
I wasn't hearing shit
because "He's doing exactly what we need him to be--
fat and funny."'
So, I guess there was a bit of that,
but fucking every once in a while,
Tim would just kinda come out of nowhere
and remind me that I wasn't an actor.
There's a scene in Catch and Release
where me and Sam Jaeger, who plays Dennis,
are in the back lot of our house, flyfishing,
you know, casting our rods.
And I've had a few drinks or something like that.
And he kind of reminds me of that,
and we have a painful discussion,
a discussion that becomes kind of painful for him.
Maybe it was painful for the audience as well.
But he takes my pole away.
And he goes, "You know what?. You've had too much."'
"l guess the best defense is a good offense"
or something like that.
But it just didn't sound right coming out of my mouth,
so I just changed it up a little bit.
And so he takes my pole away from me,
and he's like, "You've had a little too much."'
And I said instead, "Oh, so that's your big move.
"You're just going to take my pole like that?.
I guess the best defense is a good offense."'
And so Suzannah says, "Cut."'
Tim is standing on the porch of the house that's right next to the back alley.
And he just gives the old golf clap.
And I look over.
And he's just like, "Wow!" coming down the steps,
owning the moment because Tim likes to control the room
in a big, bad way.
If everyone's not fucking focused on Olyphantastic, you know,
he'll get them there and then you're all like,
"Why are we listening to this dude??"'
But anyway, he's making a big show about coming down the stairs.
He's like, "That is acting.
"All this time I didn't know.
You've defined it for me, Kevin Smith."'
He goes, "Acting is the subtle art of saying out loud
what just happened."'
So Sam takes your pole, and you say,
"So you're just going to take my pole."'
"That's brilliant," you know.
And some of the crew was like "Ya ha ha ha."'
And, not to be outdone, I was just like,
"You know what, Tim?. You're right.
"You know who I love in Deadwood?.
Ian McShane."'
*
So I'm not an actor by any stretch of the imagination.
So when they hand me the Die Hard pages
and they say, "Come in and read this,"
I just can't read it because I'm like, "Nobody sounds like this.
"Or if they do, I can't pull it off.
"You guys should get the guy who played Urkel
"because he's good at doing this nerd shit.
So I'm going to fucking rewrite it."'
And so I brought in a new set of pages,
and I gave Deb and Len a set of pages.
I was like, "Here are the new lines."'
True story. I was like,
"You just pick up from here and I've got mine memorized."'
And Len is looking at Deborah Aquila like,
"Did he just bring us a rewrite?.
I thought you said he was cool."'
And she is just like, "Just wait."'
So we ran through it, and, you know,
I wasn't particularly good,
but then Len and I sat around talking
for two hours afterwards, just shooting the shit,
because he's a real nice guy and possibly pretty.
One of these dudes that's a director,
and he's a very successful director,
and he's good-looking, and you're like, "Fuck!"
It just helps when directors are ugly because you're like,
"Yeah, but we're talented."'
So, never thought about it.
Two months, I figured they'd cast it, that was it.
Got a call two months later, and they're like,
"Okay, so here are your dates for Die Hard, "
and I'm like, "l got the part?. They're like, "Yeah."'
And I was like, "How the fuck did that happen?.
They're like, "l don't know."' Deb was like, "l was there.
I don't know why you got the part."'
She's like, "But here's where you're shooting.
So yeah, come on out."'
So I went out to shoot Die Hard,
and the beautiful thing
was they were shooting right around the hill from me.
I live in the Hollywood Hills and-- now I do--
and Universal Studios was where they were shooting,
even though it's not a Universal film.
Quick five, ten-minute ride from my house.
And they were very, you know, fucking insistent.
"You have to be here at 7 a. m. 7 a. m. is your call time.
We'll get you done in a day and get you out of here.
Shoot all the Warlock scene and shit.
So I was like, "Dope."'
So I was there,
fucking first time in my life ever early for anything.
I was there at 6:45 because I was like,
"I'm ready for Die Hard, " you know.
So I meet the producer, one of the-- the producer on the movie.
He's like, "How are you doing?. Thanks for doing this."'
I'm like, "Thanks for having me.
This is fucking pimp, this is awesome."'
And he was like-- I was like, "How are we doing?.
Are we going to get ready to start soon??"'
And he's like, "Well, you'll find that this movie
"kind of works on a different time schedule than most.
"l know you make movies,
"but we kind of move at a different pace, different clock.
We call it BWT."'
And I was like, "Right on.
Is that Bruce Willis time??"'
"Yes, Bruce Willis Time.
"So we'll start when Bruce is here.
"But in the meantime, why don't you go over to Makeup,
start getting your make-up done??"'
I said, "Right on."'
I go over to Makeup, Justin Long comes in.
I meet him, and he's a cool cat.
We just kept talking, get to talking right away
and we have an instant kinship and whatnot.
Friendly, funny fucking guy,
and we start going over our dialogue.
The dialogue thing was really strange
because when I got there,
there's a set of sides, you know, in my trailer.
And I go to the sides to start going over my lines and shit.
And I'm like, "These lines seem really fucking familiar."'
And I realize, it was all the shit that I had said in audition.
Had just become the sides.
And then I was like, "Oh, I get it.
"l got the job because they liked my rewrite.
but didn't want to pay me for the rewrite."'
Suddenly, shit started getting clearer, you know.
So I meet with Justin and shit, and he's just like,
"Did you see the new sides??"'
He's going, "We get new sides here every day,
but this is the first time these sides are actually pretty funny."'
I was like, "They are, aren't they??"'
So we start going over our lines and shit.
And all of a sudden, the hush fucking falls over the room,
and Bruce Willis enters the fucking trailer.
Just pimps into the fucking trailer.
He's like, "Good morning, Die Hard-ers.
Who's ready to live free or die hard??"'
And if I could have fucked a man ever,
it would have been him in that moment.
He was just everything you wanted him to be, man.
He just knows how to fucking be Bruce Willis.
He is Bruce Willis, but he knows how to be Bruce Willis, right?.
Immediately comes over after those words fall out of his mouth.
He's like, "Mr. Smith, excellent to meet you.
Thank you for doing this."'
I'm like, "Thanks for having me, man. This is fucking awesome."'
He's like, "Let me ask you a question.
"Why do they call Lindsay Lohan 'Fire Bush'??"'
And I was like, "I'm not sure.
I guess she's got red hair, so maybe that's why they--"
He's like, "l wasn't talking to you. I was talking to him.
Justin was like, "l was in Herbie. "
And I was like, "Oh, yeah. Sorry."'
And I was like, "Fuck!
I fucked up in front of Bruce Willis!"
I assumed he was asking me about Lindsay Lohan's bush,
but he was asking somebody that knows Lindsay Lohan.
Like fucking, I'm an idiot!
Justin was like, "l don't know. Red hair, like what he said."'
And he was like, "All right. I was just wondering.
I read that. It's fucked up."'
Anyway, see you guys on the set, men."'
So we go through the rest of hair, make-up, and wardrobe.
Me and Justin are running our lines and shit,
and two hours later, they finally call us to the set
to do what's known as a "blocking rehearsal."'
That's where you and the other people in the cast stand around
and figure out where you're going to stand in the scene, not so much--
they use it for running dialogue, but on big movies,
they don't care about rehearsal.
They just expect everyone shows up,
knows what they're doing professionally
as an actor or performer
and just fucking goes right into their trade and shit.
Me, on my flicks, we rehearse for, like, a month and change,
make sure everyone knows the dialogue before they show up on the set.
So we go over to the stage. Simple scene.
Three dudes talking--
Bruce Willis, Justin Long, myself.
I see Len Wiseman for the first time since I met him months ago,
and the dude who was just spry and wide-eyed
and fucking fresh as a daisy
and was like, "I'm getting to make Die Hard!.
I love Die Hard!. "
Just slumped in a director's chair.
If he would have had a fucking cigarette in his mouth,
it would have been dangling from his fucking lips,
just fucking barely alive.
Looked like he had just come out of fucking 'Nam
and he had a necklace of human ears around him.
Just like, "I've been in the shit, man."'
And I was like Charlie Sheen in Platoon,
ready to fucking take on the Vietcong,
and he was either fucking Tom Berenger or Willem Dafoe.
I wasn't quite sure.
But he's like, "I've see it all, motherfucker.
Heads explode like grapefruits."'
You know, just--
He'd been making Die Hard for a little while at that point,
so I was like, "How are you feeling??"'
He was like, "How do I look??"'
I was like, "You look good. You look good.
Everything looks good."'
He's like, "I've got a peptic ulcer."'
I was like, "Really?. Have you always had an ulceritic condition??"'
"First time.
Just diagnosed."'
We start the rehearsal.
A blocking rehearsal shouldn't take
more than the length of any scene.
You got a five-page scene-- five-minute blocking rehearsal.
Maybe you run it again once for, like--
I tend to run a private scene, and then I tend to run a--
you know, for just me and the actors--
and then I bring in the cast and crew and shit,
and run the scene again so everyone--
all the keys can see where people are going to be standing,
what's going to be needed and shit like that.
This scene was ten pages, max.
So you're talking about a ten-minute blocking rehearsal.
And really, we probably wouldn't run the whole scene
because they don't tend to do that.
It's just about where we're going to be when shit begins.
And Len is kind of getting his energy back
because I keep joking with him,
and he's kind of springing back to life.
He's like, "Let me show you what I did.
"l got you a chair, a gaming chair.
And I picked this chair out myself."'
'Cause Len used to be in props and set design
before he became a filmmaker,
so the look of things is very important to the dude.
He's like, "l got this chair. It's a gamer's chair.
"It's, like, the best one ever fucking made.
Look at it. Doesn't it look
Iike the fucking captain's chair on Star Trek?.
"It's pimp. It's just awesome.
And this is where you sit the whole time."'
And I was like, "Really?. The whole scene I'm sitting here??"'
He's like, "You don't fucking move because you're the Warlock.
"Why would the Warlock get up?.
"You don't want these people in your fucking house.
"They just showed up and shit.
"So you sit here, and fucking everything happens
"because I'm going to come in with a shot on you like this,
"come up and reveal your face.
That's why I picked out the chair. It's awesome."'
And I was like, "Right on, dude.
You're the director. Anything you say."'
So Bruce comes over, Justin comes over.
He's like, "You ready to rock this??"'
And Len's like, "Yeah. Let's do a rehearsal."'
So Bruce comes from the upstairs part of the basement.
He comes in with the character that plays my mother.
A lovely woman from Baltimore.
She's like, "Freddy, your fucking friends are here."'
And I'm like, "Aw, Mom, blah, blah, blah."'
They come down the stairs.
First, Bruce is washing his hands. Justin comes to me.
I'm sitting in my chair.
It was kind of awkward yelling over my shoulder at her.
But the way he wanted to shoot it,
it wouldn't have mattered.
He would have held me in the foreground,
her in the background.
So we run the scene,
and Justin's standing in front of me,
talking down to me and I'm talking up at him.
Bruce comes from the second platform.
Then he comes over, and he's like--
Why would McClane come to this guy?.
And I didn't want to say anything.
But Len gets up, and he's just like,
"Well, because this is his place,
"so I like him in this chair.
We've got all my shots designed around this chair."'
And he's like, "Len, Len. It doesn't make sense, okay?.
"I'm a cop, he's a criminal.
Why would I go to him??"'
And I'm like, "I'm not really a criminal, am l?.
I just thought I was a hacker."'
And Len's like, "A hacker is a criminal."'
He's like, "lt makes no sense.
"John McClane doesn't walk up to this guy.
"Also, we're coming in his house.
Don't you think he'd get up out of the chair??"'
Which kind of made sense.
He's like, "I'm not going to walk around
"and talk to this guy.
"Make me his focus,
'cause otherwise I'm coming to him, hat in hand,
and I just want him to kind of come to me,
and that makes more sense and shit.
And Len's, like, "Yeah, but all my shots
are designed around the chair."'
And Bruce is like, "Well, you know what, Len?.
"You're the director, and so it's your movie,
"and you do what you're gonna do,
"but I just don't think it's smart.
"l think it's kind of dumb.
"But I'll do whatever you want me to do
"because you're the director, Len.
But it just doesn't seem very bright."'
So what should be a 10-minute blocking discussion
Launches into a 20-minute discussion
about whether or not I should get up from the chair.
At which point, finally the director in me kicks in,
where I'm just, like,
"We just have to find a solution to this problem
so we can move forward with the next step.
So I was like, "You know what?. It doesn't matter, dude.
"I'll totally get up. Like, if it speeds things along.
Let's just figure out the rest of the dialogue,
Iet's put the dialogue up on its feet,
and see what it sounds like."'
And he was like, "Yeah, okay, let's do that."'
So we start the scene again.
They come in. I get up out of my chair.
He comes down. Justin comes down.
We start arguing and shit.
Bruce comes down, he's like, "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
"What's all the Myspace jokes in the script all of a sudden?.
Where'd this all come from?. I was like, "l don't know."'
He's like, "This is-- The world's ending as far as we know, man.
"Thomas Gabriel has got us up on the ropes,
"and we're going into the third act,
"and it makes no sense that we stop and start telling jokes
"about Myspace and Goth chicks, and it's just corny, man.
"Like, this is Die Hard. We gotta keep it Die Hard.
Die Hard's not funny."'
And I'm like, Die Hard was really funny.
But I don't want to say that because he's on a roll.
He's like, "We gotta keep it tough, man.
"Like, I don't want to become jokey and shit like that.
"We're sitting here, making a lot of jokes,
"when we should be moving the plot forward
"and trying to figure out who the fuck Thomas Gabriel is
'cause we've never had that moment."'
He's like, "Here's the problem, Kev.
"We've been shooting this movie for three months.
"Every time we have a problem on the movie,
"every time we hit a plot hole, something that doesn't make sense,
"all we've been saying is
"'You know what?. We'll put it in the Warlock scene
"'because this is our big expositional scene
"'where we talk about shit
"'and reveal the villain's motives and shit like that,
"'and handle a bunch of things that we haven't handled
"because we've been blowing shit up and whatnot'.
"So we've been doing this for three months,
"talking about we'll just dump it in the Warlock scene.
"We get here on the day of the Warlock scene,
"and nobody has written any of these things into the movie.
"And I give a shit because I'm the producer of Die Hard,
"and, by the way, I'm the only person
"who's been involved in all four Die Hards,
"so I'm trying to be the gatekeeper
of the mythology of Die Hard,
and I think it's very important--"
And he's just talking, talking, talking.
And the whole time, I'm just thinking,
"That's David fucking Addison, man."'
Like, that's--
[applause]
Motherfuck John McClane.
David Addison is trying to explain the process of filmmaking to me,
and I'm like, "This is awesome!"
He can say anything he wants, man.
Like, this is fantastic.
Bruce Willis is talking to me. And it's kind of processing.
I'm hearing what he's saying
and all the plot points that they haven't touched on,
how they have to really set up what a bad-ass
fucking Thomas Gabriel is in the movie,
and his history, which they haven't touched on.
This discussion goes on for 45 minutes.
A blocking rehearsal that should've been 10 minutes,
we're now in minute 50, 55, or something like that.
So finally I step up, and I'm like,
"Look, if you guys give me 20 minutes and a laptop,
"l will figure out all the fucking problems
"that we need to figure out.
"l understand what we need to say about Thomas Gabriel.
"Just fucking get me a laptop, man,
and we'll make it happen. I swear."'
And he's just like, "You heard the kid, Len.
Get him a laptop."'
So we're standing outside the stage doors,
and Bruce is like, "Here's the things
I want to get across about Thomas Gabriel, okay?.
Thomas Gabriel, Joint Chiefs of Staff.
"l want you to use words like RAND Corporation.
"There's a bunch of shit--
Make him sound like a bad-ass.
"Right now nobody fucking knows
"because Tim's playing him like a pussy.
So it'd be nice to--" And right then and there,
as much as I love Bruce Willis--
I loved him even more, you know?.
I said, "Get out of here. Olyphantastic?. Fucking no."'
He's, like, "We just gotta build him up, you know?.
With Rickman, he came in like a bad-ass and whatnot.
And this time around, we just need a little more help,
so I wanna tell a bit of a back story about him
so that going in you feel like this dude's serious,
and so these are the things I wanna hit.
Skip, go with him and help him out."'
Now, Skip is this dude
who's been hanging around the set the whole time,
and he's a little taller than me,
but dude looks like a brick shithouse.
Just huge. But not like a flabby brick shithouse.
He's fucking-- He's a brick--
No, he's a brick shithouse. Not made of wood.
Just fucking rock solid.
He's got guns, huge fucking guns and shit.
Just big-time muscles, earrings in his ear and shit.
Dude looks like a customer you don't wanna fuck with,
and I'm, like, that must be Bruce Willis' bodyguard and shit.
So I start following Skip back to the trailer,
and I'm like, "So if you're here with me, who's guarding Bruce??"'
And he's like, "l don't know, who guards Bruce normally??"'
And I was like, "Aren't you Bruce's bodyguard??"'
He's like, "No, I'm Bruce's writer."'
And I was like, "You're a writer??"'
I was like, "Dude, you could bench me."'
And he's like, "Where is it written
"that you gotta be flabby and out of shape to be a writer??"'
I was like, "Touche, Skip."'
So I was like, "Dude, I didn't know you were the writer, man."'
He's like, "Don't worry. I'm one of the writers.
There's at least 20 of us."'
He's like, "You're one of 'em.
Did you see all your dialogue in there from the audition??"'
I said, "l saw that."'
He's like, "l watched your audition tape.
"Len said he wanted your performance
"from the fucking audition tape,
"so I just transcribed everything you wrote,
and now it's in the movie."'
I was like, "That's fucked up. I wrote a movie."'
He's like, "l think you wrote seven."'
I was like, "Excellent point, Skip."'
So I was like, "You don't mind me doing this??"'
He was, like, "No, shit man. Rock it, dude. That's easy.
"You wanna take my job for a while, that's great.
I get paid either way."'
So, you know, I sit down at the laptop,
and I start writing and shit,
and I'd pass it over to Skip.
He's, like, "That's kind of what he said.
"That makes sense. I like this.
You might want to take that out."'
"Yeah, let's take that out. What do you think??"'
He's going, "I'll tell you right now.
He ain't gonna like you calling him cue ball."'
I was, like, "Really?. I let him call me Ben and Jerry's
and Dumptruck and shit."'
And he's, like, "It's okay for Bruce to make fun of you.
"You cannot make fun of Bruce.
Particularly about the hair thing."'
And I was like, "All right. Look, I love Bruce Willis."'
He was like, "We all do."'
So I'm writing. Willis comes into the trailer and shit.
He's like, "What you got??"'
I was like, "Here, check it out,"
and he was, like, "All right, this is what I'm talking about.
Thomas Gabriel sounds like a bad-ass.
He was going, "You should do this on every movie.
"Get hired, do a little part,
rewrite the whole fucking thing. Ha ha ha."'
Heh heh.
So he was like, "You might wanna make some trims on the speech 'cause he's going--
"You know, I want you to tell the story
"about who Thomas Gabriel is
"because we're going to you for this information,
but, you know, you got a page-long monologue here."'
And I was like, "ls it too long??"'
He's going, "It's an action movie, dude.
Plus, you're not John McClane."'
That's a good point, good point.
He was like, "Just trim it down.
I like it 'cause it's got that same emotion
as, like, the lndianapolis speech in Jaws. "
I'm like, "Dude, it ain't that good."'
He's, like, "l didn't say it was that good.
"l said it's got the same type of emotion, type of vibe to it.
"But this is what I'm talking about.
Just finish it up, man, so we can get it over to the studio."'
So he leaves, and Len comes in, and fucking Skip's there.
I'm like, "Why do we have to give it to the studio??"'
He's like, "Well, everything has to get approved by Fox.
"Everything has to go through the fucking heads of Fox
because it's their franchise."'
I was like, "Well, it's Bruce's franchise."'
Like, "Yeah, but Fox owns it.
"That's the reason it's PG-1 3,
"because they agreed to make the movie
"only if it was PG-1 3 because they don't have a lot of faith in the franchise
because it's been a few years and shit like that."'
I was like, "This is PG-1 3??"'
They're like, "Didn't you notice nobody cursing??"'
And I was like, "l just thought they were being polite
'cause it's my first day."'
So I finish up, get the pages to Len.
Len's like, "This is great.
"l could totally work with this.
Totally great. Give it to Bruce."'
Bruce is like, "This is what I'm talking about.
"Let's get this to the studio, get 'em to approve it
so we can start shooting immediately."'
And that was about... noon, 1 :00,
'cause it was just about to be lunch.
Then lunch goes by,
and nobody at the studio calls back
'cause you assume everyone's off eating lunch or whatever.
Then they don't call back at 2, 3, 4, 5.
Starts getting dark.
6:00, 7::00. Nobody has fucking called from the studio.
And it's just like, what, don't they understand that this is a priority?.
Meantime, everyone else has just started having a barbecue.
Like, Bruce had his chef, like, whip up some chicken cutlets.
He's like, "Kev, you like chicken?.
My boy just cooked up some chicken.
"This is my own chef. This is excellent chicken recipe.
"Take some chicken. You're gonna like it. Who wants chicken?.
Anybody want some Bruce Willis chicken??"'
"Pull up some chairs, man. Let's pull up some grass.
"l got some grass in front of my trailer.
"You can hang out here. Bring some chairs over.
Justin, sit down. Let's all sit around and bullshit. Let's talk."'
Congenial as fuck. We're just having, like, hang out,
sit down in front of Bruce Willis' trailer and whatnot,
bullshitting about the movie biz,
eating Bruce Willis chicken.
I was like, "This is good chicken."'
He was like, "You know what I got for dessert?.
"Tasty Kake. Got it sent from back home.
Had it sent. You like Tasty Kake??"'
A big deal, because in Los Angeles, on the West Coast,
they don't have Tasty Kake.
I was like, "Tell me you got some fucking butterscotch krimpets."'
He's, like, "Hoo, I got-- I got butterscotch krimpets,
I got jelly krimpets,
I got peanut butter candy kakes.
Anything you can shake a stick at."'
I'm like, "Bruce Willis, I love you."'
And he's like, "l know, everyone loves Bruce Willis."'
Sitting around, having a grand old time. Len's looking better.
Vitality coming back to his face and shit.
Ulcer not bothering him.
Everyone's in a happy mood and shit.
Nothing getting done whatsoever.
Nothing getting done.
And finally the studio calls and shit,
and they've got issues with the pages and whatnot.
And I hear from Len and Skip, and Len and Skip fill me in,
and they're just like, "Studio's upset
"because they think most of the humor has gone out of the scene,
"and they want the scene to be funny.
"It's a funny scene for them,
and now it's all serious and shit."'
And I'm like, "Yeah, but Bruce wants to keep it Die Hard. "
And he's like, "Yeah, but this is gonna be the battle
"between Bruce and the studio.
"It's always a constant battle because Bruce, as he says,
"he's the fucking gate keeper of the Die Hard mythology,
"and the studio just wants to make
"a commercial movie and whatnot.
"You know, Bruce is at odds because he's the only guy
"that's been involved at every level
"with every version of fucking Die Hard,
"and nobody else even working at the studio right now
was even working at Fox
"when they made any of the other Die Hards,
so you're gonna see two mighty titans clashing and shit."'
So Bruce gets a call from the head of the studio
on his cell phone and shit,
and his assistant brings the phone over.
He says it's blah blah.
He's like, "All right. Hey, did you get 'em?.
"Yeah, but you don't understand, man.
"It's like, that other shit is too silly.
"What's Myspace?. It's just too silly.
"This is important, man.
"It's leading into the third act.
"Because the world's ending. Yeah, but nobody knows that.
"We know that, but the rest of the world, you know,
"the Washington Monument, Congress just blew up.
"As far as they know, the whole world's coming to an end,
"we're gonna sit around and make some jokes about goth girls?.
"Makes no sense. What he wrote is fucking good.
Now it makes sense."'
"Uh-huh. All right.
"Well, let me ask you a question.
Who's your second choice to play John McClane??"'
"Okay, then.
Len, we're gonna shoot the pages, man."'
And I was like, "That is fucking dope."'
So the producer comes over.
He's like, "Len, it's 8:30 at night.
I've let most of the crew go."' And Len's like, "You're right.
"You know, we should just start fresh in the morning
with this whole thing, figure it out then."'
And he's, like, "You can come back, can't ya??"'
I was like, "Oh, shit, I wouldn't miss this for the fucking world.
Of course I can come back."' He's, like, "Right on."'
So I go back to my trailer, collect my shit and whatnot.
Get a knock on the door.
Like, "Bruce wants to see you in his trailer."'
"Right on."' Rocket over to his trailer, walk in.
There's Len, Bruce-- Bruce's assistant,
Skip, and--
What's his name?. Bill Wisher?.
The guy that wrote Terminator 2,
with Jim Cameron, William Wisher.
At one point, he came in while I was doing rewrites and shit,
and I recognized him.
This is Bill Wisher, man.
This is the dude that wrote T2, okay?.
T2, one of the greatest action movies ever made and shit.
He walks in, I'm sitting there at a typewriter rewriting his shit,
and I felt like Bill Wisher caught me fucking his wife, you know?. He's just--
And I was like, "Dude, you know what?. I'm sorry I'm up in your kitchen."'
He's, like, "Oh, Kevin, there are,
Iike, 20 other writers on this movie. It doesn't matter."'
I was like, "Right on."'
So Bill Wisher's in the trailer and shit.
So I walk in. We were just standing there.
He's still got his fucking makeup on.
Bloody makeup and shit.
He's, like, "Kev, you a drinking man??"'
He's got a couple of Scotches, glass of Scotch.
I was, like, "No, I don't really drink."'
He's like, "l am."'
Sits down. He's like, "All right,
so tomorrow the game plan is this.
"We go in, we shoot the pages,
"we shoot two versions of the speech,
"the long one you wrote
"and an abbreviated version we can show the studio,
"and that's how we're gonna roll.
"And they can't say fuck to us anymore 'cause this just makes sense.
This is good. We all agree this is good??"'
He's, like, "Yeah, yeah."' Everyone's, like, "Yeah, yeah."'
He's, like, "All right, then that's what we're gonna do.
You wanna see the Rocky premier tonight with me??"'
And I was, like, "What, me??"'
He was, like, "Yeah, me and Justin are going over
to see the premier of Rocky.
"Stallone, man. You know, boxing and shit like that over at the Chinese.
A little old, but whatever, so am l.
You wanna go??"' And I was like, "You know,
I would totally go, but I just have--"
He's, like, "Don't worry about it. I get it.
You don't wanna see Rocky. "
I said, "No, I do want to see Rocky,
"and I'd really like to see Rocky with you,
"but I just, you know, I just got the kid to go to bed soon,
and just--" He's like, "It's fine, man.
"I'll see you in the morning. You did a good job today.
Thanks for coming on."' "Okay."'
I left,
walking back to my car with Skip,
and I was like, "We didn't do a fucking thing today, did we?.
We didn't-- Nothing was shot."'
And he was like, "Well, I heard B unit shot some of the truck
falling down the elevator shaft."'
But I was like, "But that's B unit. A unit??"'
He was, "As you saw, we did absolutely nothing."'
I was like, "That is fucked up. How much do you think it cost??"'
He was like, "l know exactly what it cost-- $375,000."'
I said, "Who told you?. You just came up with that figure??"'
He was like, "Producer told me.
Like, that's what the average day costs,
"and that's a quiet day
"because we're just sitting on a stage,
just three guys talking. Should be easy, right??"'
And I was like, "lt should."' He was like, "Never is.
Welcome to Die Hard. See you tomorrow."'
So I go back the next day and shit.
This time I don't show up at 7 a. m.
because fuck it, nothing's going to happen on time.
No, I set my watch to a little BWT as well.
Get there, get into Wardrobe,
get into Makeup and shit like that,
go on stage to start blocking again.
Three minutes in, exact recap of the day before,
except it doesn't have to do with where I'm standing.
He goes, "Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.
"We're going to this guy,
"presuming he knows something about Thomas Gabriel.
"He tells us everything about Thomas Gabriel.
"lf he knows, why isn't he trying to stop Thomas Gabriel?.
Len, this makes no sense."'
And I finally get some nuts up,
and I'm like, "That's what you told me to write yesterday."'
And he goes, "Me?. No. That must have come from the studio.
That doesn't make sense."'
"Oh, hold on. Now I get it.
"Yeah. Well, of course. That's what--
"He needs to know everything. That's what I meant to say.
"He needs to know everything about Thomas Gabriel
"because that's why we're going to him for the information.
"Basically, it's this word right here.
"It's the way this word kind of comes out. You say, 'Because',
"and it shouldn't be 'Because'.
It should be 'ln spite of', I think.
"l think it's in the delivery. You know what?.
You'll handle it when you actually perform it."'
And I was like, "lf we ever get to perform it."'
So we finally get through a block of rehearsal
We start-- We're about to start shooting.
You know, they're kind of giving us our tape marks and shit like that.
Doing last looks and whatnot. Bruce comes over.
He's, like, "l just wanted to thank you for the work you did yesterday.
"l wanted to apologize for the way things have been running
"'cause, you know, you're a director,
"and I respect your body of work immensely,
"so I understand that you're coming in here,
this probably seems unprofessional."'
And I'm sitting there going, "You're such a great actor, Bruce Willis,
"but you're not great enough to make me believe
that you've actually seen a single one of my movies."'
Like, I know you've never seen anything I've ever done.
This dude's lying out his teeth.
He's never seen Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy.
He don't watch movies like that at all,
but it was very sweet of him
to say, like, "You know, you're a great director,
and I respect your body of work.
I love all your movies."' You know,
he's just bullshittin' and shit like that.
I know he didn't see a single fucking one.
I could've been, like, "All right, dude, what's a stink palm??"'
He would've been, like, "What a--"
So we roll the first fucking take,
and finally there's some fucking film
on the Warlock scene in Live Free or Die Hard.
And once we start going,
it fucking moves, 'cause like I said,
Len is rocking three fucking cameras on a dialogue scene,
on three dudes sitting there, talking to each other. Just--
Cameras doing all this shit, whatnot.
I'm like, "It's bugging me, Len. Can you move it??"'
He's, like, "No. That's the difference
"between my movies and yours.
"This happens in mine.
Yours, pretty much this."'
"Um, and Willis is just like--
"He likes having a guy who's in the scene
who's also writing the scene" or something like that.
He's having a good ol' time with that,
'cause he'll come over to me,
just like, "l wanna say something.
"l don't want to call you fat guy.
I want to come up with, like, different, like what else?.
What else could I call you??"'
And I was like, "You could call me Dairy Queen."'
He's like, "Dairy Queen. That's funny. What else??"'
I said, "Ben and Jerry's."'
He's, like, "Ben and Jerry's, man. That's pretty funny."'
I was like, "Dump truck."' He's like, "Dump truck."'
I was like, "You can call me Tubby, Lunch Box."'
He's like, "Lunch Box."'
Right then and there, I'm like,
I know this dude never saw one of my pictures.
So, you know, we get into the back and forth in this scene,
and he loves whipping out his variations, man.
He's, fucking, Dairy Queen, Ben and Jerry's,
fucking calling me all these names and shit like that.
Having maybe just a little bit of good time doing it.
Little too good of a time, where I'm just like,
All right, calm down, Bruce Willis,
'cause this is really starting
to hurt my feelings a little bit.
And I got real fucking comfortable.
I didn't geek out on him.
I just waited for the proper moments and shit.
Like, um, we're in the midst of a take,
and we're talking about Thomas Gabriel.
And I'm just like, "He's scary.
"He's scary, man. He's dangerous scary.
He's so scary, he's scary like,
did you ever hear Return of Bruno?.
He's that scary."'
And he goes, "Ha ha ha ha.
"All right, that's for dump truck.
Ha ha ha ha ha!"
So, uh, and that was my time on Die Hard.
It took what should have taken,
I don't know, a day to shoot, like, fucking 1 0 pages,
wound up taking five days
to shoot three people having a conversation.
Um, at the end of it,
dude gave me a big hug and shit like that.
And I was out of Bruce Willis' life.
I think I saw him again at the premier,
would be the next time I saw him.
And, you know, it's always very hectic, and we said hi,
and he fucking gave me a hug and shit like that.
But that was it.
It's not like we became best friends
or anything like that.
Until 4th of July.
I'm sitting in a hotel room, Vegas, Palms Hotel.
'Cause I went out to play a tournament--
poker tournament with Affleck.
And donked it out of the tournament,
and then Affleck wanted to go play some big stakes shit,
and I was just like, "You know what?.
I'm gonna go back to my hotel room."'
And there I am in the midst of Sin City,
you know, where you can throw a rock and find something to gamble on,
whether it be horses or somebody's back,
Iike, there's always gambling to be done
in fucking Vegas and shit,
and there I am, in my hotel room in Vegas,
playing online poker.
Even worse, the free version of online poker.
Phone rings, and I'm looking at this number I don't recognize.
I'm, like, "Hello??"' "Kevin. Bruce Willis."'
"How's the game, man?. How the fuck are you??"'
He's, like, "Good. Just enjoying the anniversary
"of the birth of our nation's independence.
"Barbecue, Sun Valley, you know, it's all good.
"We're doing some fireworks in a little bit.
Great day. How about you??"'
I was, like, "Just I'm hanging out in Vegas.
"Hey, man, congratulations on the opening.
"lt was a strong opening.
"Looks like it's gonna be the highest grossing
of all the Die Hards. "
He's, like, "lt is, it is.
"It's gonna be the best one, biggest one yet.
Which is great. Turned into a great movie."'
I said, "lt did turn into a really pimp movie. Congratulations."'
He's, like, "Well, we worked hard on it.
You know, you were there."'
I was like, "For a little bit."'
He goes, "Let me ask you something.
"You're from Jersey, I'm from Jersey.
"You write, direct. I act.
We should do something together."'
[clunk]
[applause, cheering]
Apologies to the sound department.
I-- Like, I'm lying in bed face down,
and somehow was able to shit my pants up.
I was, like, "Oh, my God, dude. I would love to that.
I'm gonna start trying to think of something right now."'
He's like, "Well, you do that.
"l think it makes a lot of sense. We should do it, man.
"ln the meantime, you have a great day and drop me a line."'
I was like, "l totally will, man.
Good-bye, Bruce Willis."'
And I hung up, and I just laid there on the bed,
going "That was fucking surreal.
That was a real surreal moment."'
But then I got sad because I was, like, I got nothing.
I got absolutely nothing that Bruce Willis would be interesting in being in.
Like, hey, dude, you wanna play fucking Silent Bob's uncle?.
You know, just--
Probably more appropriate to be Jay's uncle,
but I got nothing.
Nothing, not a fucking movie in me
that makes sense for Bruce Willis to be in.
It's weird, it's like--
you know, Tantalus, the lake, Hades and shit?.
Where a guy's buried up to his waist in water,
and he's fucking burning and thirsty,
but the moment he goes to take a drink, it disappears.
Bruce Willis said he would like to be in a movie
that I wrote and directed.
I have no fucking movie for Bruce Willis.
None whatsoever and shit.
I got desperate and shit.
I was playing video games at home.
I'm like, Dig-Dug, starring Bruce Willis.
There are giant monsters under New York.
There's only one man who can stop 'em.
One man with a pump.
Bruce Willis is Dig-Dug.
But that's my fucking Die Hard story.
[applause]
[Man] Hi, Kevin.
- How are you, sir?. - Awesome.
Uh, New Zealand. Whoo! Yeah.
[applause]
I just wanted to know if there was still any chance
of Manchild being picked up by Showtime,
and how was your experience working on that show?.
Um, I don't think Manchild will ever see the light of day,
which is kind of sad
because it's turned into a really funny fucking show.
Um, but Showtime, when the boys,
the Cullen brothers, who made the show,
Robb and Mark turned it in, like, they tested it twice,
tested through the roof the first time, and then the second--
I think it was Showtime didn't believe it.
Like, the studio held the test.
Sony made the show,
and Showtime was supposed to air the show.
So Sony didn't--
Showtime didn't believe the Sony test numbers,
so, like, "We're gonna have our own test."'
So they tested the show again, and it went even higher.
So it was, like, we thought it was a no-brainer.
It was, like, obviously the show's getting picked up.
You gotta clear out these months
because you're gonna be working on this fucking TV show now.
And I was like, "Right on."'
And then-- Excuse me. They decided
to put the Duchovny show on the air instead.
Californication, which I haven't seen, so I can't speak for it,
but they decided to go with that instead.
They had one slot, and they were like,
"We're gonna go with Californication. "
They told the boys, the boys told me that the network said,
"You made a great pilot. We're just going another way."'
And I was like, "That's fucking weird
'cause it's a funny show."'
And the sad thing is the show can't go anyplace else
'cause it's really vulgar.
In terms of, like, uses coarse language and whatnot.
It'd be like trying to take The Sopranos and putting it on A&E.
It's just a show that's like,
it can only live in one of two places.
Either Showtime or HBO, and Showtime doesn't want it,
and they won't let HBO have it, even if HBO did want it.
So it's kind of fucked
in this weird netherworld of this place where we did one pilot of a show
that everyone assumed was getting picked up and suddenly wasn't.
And it was weird, it was sad because it was really fucking good.
And I thought I was actually pretty good in it,
but it was a frightening show to make
because they wanted to do--
At the head of every episode, start with us on surfboards
out in the middle of the Pacific, Atlantic?.
[audience member] Pacific.
Where are we?. Atlantic?. The other one.
In the Pacific because we were all avid surfboard enthusiasts and shit like that,
and that was written into the script.
And I remember, right before we shot the pilot, I was like,
I have never been on a surfboard my whole fucking life.
I didn't even know how to--
It didn't call for us to do-- Hang ten and shit,
but, you know, we were supposed to be
sitting on surfboards, having a conversation.
At one point, my character is supposed to, like, light a cigarette,
and drink a little bottle of fucking whiskey and shit,
all while balancing on a surfboard.
And I was, like, I don't fucking know how to surf.
I've never touched a surfboard in my life.
So I took the kid over to the Valley
to go buy a used surfboard at a surf shop,
and when I bought it, the dude looked at me,
and he was just like, "You ever surf before??"'
I was like, "First time."'
He's like, "Yeah, I thought so."'
I was like, "What do I need??"'
He's like, "Well, you're gonna need some Sex Wax."'
I was like, "Tee hee."'
He's like, "You're probably--
Where you gonna do it, in the ocean??"'
I said yeah. He's like, "You're gonna wanna wear some booties
"'cause the ocean's pretty nasty,
and there's some shit down there that can bite you."'
And I was like, "What??"' I was like,
"l imagine we're just gonna shoot it,
you know, in a pool on a green screen."'
He's, like, "Nah, you're probably gonna shoot in the ocean
"'cause nothing looks like the ocean, man.
"They can't just fake it.
"And plus, you're right here by the Pacific.
"You're gonna be in the ocean,
you should get these booties and shit."'
And I was like, "l will."'
Took the surfboard home to the pool, tried to get on it.
Kid sitting there watching.
Kid wanted to get on the surfboard right away.
I was like, "Let Daddy do it first,
show you how it's done."'
Like, could not fuckin' sit on a surfboard.
I wasn't even, like, trying to walk on it and fucking balance.
I'm just talking about a dude sitting his fat ass on a surfboard.
Could not fucking do it without it going "foon."'
Turning right the fuck over and shit.
And the kid just sitting there going, like, "Can I try now??"'
And me going, like, "You gotta let me rock this, man.
I don't think it's safe for you 'cause I can't do it."'
Meanwhile, the surfboard is almost as big as the pool itself.
I used to remember surfboards,
Iike, you see 'em in fucking cartoons.
They're usually the size of a person,
but this one was fucking really long and shit.
Me and the kid and the wife and everyone I know
could've sat on this surfboard if the pool was big enough.
So I try that out for a while, then they called and they said,
"Hey, we're actually gonna have surfing practice.
"We're gonna send you out there with a real surfer,
"and he's gonna teach you guys balance,
and see how you handle yourselves on the waves and shit.
And I was like, "Right on.
I gotta tell you, I'm a little ner vous."'
They're all like, "Why??"'
I was like, "'Cause you're out in the water, right??"'
He was like, "Yeah."'
And I was like, "I'm terrified of sharks."'
And he's, like, "You saw Jaws when you were a kid??"'
I said, "Yeah."'
"'Cause I gotta tell you, man.
"lf you were bitten by a shark in Santa Monica,
"you'd be the first person in history
to get bitten by a shark off the pier in Santa Monica."'
And I was, like, "That doesn't help me at all."'
'Cause that doesn't say that I'll never get bitten by a shark.
That just says I'll be the first guy who has been bitten by a shark,
so that means it's possible."'
He's, like, "Kevin, there are no sharks out there.
You don't have to worry about it."'
I was like, "l don't know, dude.
I'm really fucking ner vous and tight about it."'
He was, like, "Well, that's what the rehearsal's about,
"where you can go out and rehearse it
and see how it feels" and whatnot.
"Put you in a wetsuit."'
And I was like, "A wetsuit?. Really??"'
He was, like, "Yeah, so that way,
"if something does bite you,
they gotta go through your wetsuit. Ha ha"
I was like, "That ain't funny."'
He was, like, "We're gonna send somebody over
to measure you up for a wetsuit."'
Which is a kind way of saying
"They don't sell your size on the rack."'
So some broad came over, measured me up,
and fucking, you know, had to measure me
in all sorts of horrible places.
Wetsuits are very tight fitting and very unforgiving,
as I'm sure you're aware.
So it's not a simple matter of, like, yeah, you know,
I'm size 48 regular, something like that.
She's gotta, measure every inch of your fucking body,
right up to your fucking dick.
Around your fat fucking thighs and shit like that.
Because this thing has to be form-fitting.
So she's calling out numbers,
and the dude who's writing the numbers down,
'cause the chick's measuring me, and her assistant is writing shit down.
She'll call out a number,
and the dude has an expression of, like, "You're kidding."'
Like he's never heard that fucking number before
in relation to a wetsuit and shit.
and I don't know how they found enough fucking neoprene,
but they eventually built my fucking wetsuit from the ground up.
I'm sure they cleared out all the neoprene
that was available on the West Coast for at least a month and shit.
Chick turns back up with my fucking wetsuit.
She's like, "Try it on."'
Take it into my closet, fucking pull it on.
Most unforgiving piece of fucking clothing ever and shit.
Zip it up. Look in the mirror, which was a real mistake.
Because I just look like--
I immediately flash to that scene in Batman Returns
when the Penguin's in the sewers,
and he rips off his little tuxedo,
and he's like, "Crank the AC!"
And he just looks like this fat egg.
And knowing that Danny DeVito had padding
to help him look like that.
I looked like the Penguin in Batman Returns
with no help whatsoever.
Just a very fat man in a very tight-fitting fucking suit,
and had to walk out in front of the fucking wardrobe person,
who was, like, "It's perfect. Perf--
"Looks good. Turned out-- Excellent.
It turned out really well. Okay. Take it off. Now."'
So, put it on and shit, went to do surfing rehearsal and shit.
Talked to the Cullen brothers.
I was, like, "Dude, this suit is fucking unforgiving.
I gotta wear, like, something on top of it.
Layers. I'm a layers guy.
I don't know if you know this or not,
but, like, it's August.
I'm wearing the trench coat right now.
Like, that's how I live my life. Layers.
That hides the flab.
And Mark's just, like, "Dude, everyone knows you're fat."'
And I'm like, "Yeah, but I trick myself
into thinking they don't know
"because-- because I'm wearing layers.
"All I'm saying is I can't just sit there on a surfboard,
"you know, wearing this fucking wetsuit with my gut on my knees.
Like, it's not-- It's unflattering."'
He's, like, "You think a shirt's gonna help that??"'
I was like, "It's gonna help me and my state of mind,
thinking, like, maybe people are sitting there, going,
"Oh, the shirt's awfully big and bunchy."'
You know, like, maybe they won't put together
that that's me under the shirt.
So he's like, "All right,
I guess we can get you something."'
And they're like, "What about a Kings jersey??"'
'Cause it's set in L.A.
I was like, "That's totally fine.
I'll rock a hockey jersey. That'll be awesome."'
He's like, "Good, you ready to rehearse now??"'
I said, "Yeah."'
So we got out on the ocean with the surfing instructor.
It's me, Paul Hipp, um, John Corbett,
you know, from Sex and the City,
and John Corbett's really committed to the part.
'Cause John Corbett, beautiful man, beautiful head of hair.
First time I meet him, he looks like Gallagher.
Just bald with a ring of hair around here,
and I was like, "God damn it, like,
for years I thought you had hair."'
And he's, like, "l do have hair. I shaved this for the show.
What's your excuse??"'
I was like, "Genetics."'
And James Purefoy, who was on Rome, played Mark Antony,
he was the other guy on the show.
So we get out there with the surfing instructor, who's like a pro.
The guy's been in videos, shit like that,
won awards, competition surfer,
and he makes a living off of it and shit.
He was real lovely and patient.
But he has this horrified look on his face,
Iike, "l got to work with the fat one?. Fuck."'
So he just gets me up onto the surfboard,
and he's holding the surfboard.
He's like, "I'm gonna let it go,
so you just gotta find your center of balance."'
I'm, like, "All right."' He let's the board go.
I go right underwater.
He's, like, "You didn't find your center of balance, Kevin."'
I was, like, "You would think it would be easy to find
"because I spend most of my time on my ass
and I pretty much don't fall over there."'
He's like, "Well, the trick is
"to just kind of be at one with the ocean and shit.
"It's a really powerful aura out here,
"and it kind of blends with yours.
That's what helps you keep your balance."'
I'm, like, "Come on, dude, just tell me how a fat man
sits on a surfboard, and let's move on."'
He's, like, "It's gonna be difficult, you know??"'
He's, like, "Let's work on a paddle.
Let's get you down on the board and do the paddle."'
He's, like, "Just lay down on the board."'
So I'm like, "All right."'
And I go to lay down on the board,
and the board goes right over my head.
Back in the ocean, I'm face down in the drink again.
He's just like "We're going to need two more rehearsals."'
By the time we're ready to shoot the show,
we go out on the water and shit.
Thankfully, for most of the dialogue,
they slip these skiffs under us,
these floating skiffs,
so we're sitting on surfboards
that are sitting on things that float in the water,
and that's easy enough to maintain your balance on
because it's like sitting on a very wide raft,
but still there's a lot of motion in the ocean.
Shit's moving around and whatnot.
And after we do that all day,
they're like "Okay, we're going to pull the skiffs away,
"and we're going to do it with nothing.
Go to do a wide shot."'
And I'm like "You're taking the fucking skiff?.
Don't take the skiff. The skiff's my life."'
Like, "Without the skiff, I'm going to fucking drown, man.
I'm going to go right in the fucking water."'
Like, "No, man.
You've got your center of balance" and shit.
They take the skiff,
and me on the skiff, when I'm acting,
I'm able to fucking, like, light a cigarette,
drink, talk with my hands,
moving and shit like that, gesticulate.
When it comes to me just sitting on the surfboard,
I'm like this.
All the dialogue comes out fucking stiff.
Suddenly I ain't lighting cigarettes or drinking or nothing.
None of the continuity matches up.
They've just got a wide shot of four dudes,
and the other dudes are talking,
and I'm like, "Uh-huh."'
Because I'm fucking terrified
that there's something out there.
They literally took us out into the fucking ocean.
Granted, you could see the beach from where we were,
but it was still too far away,
and we all know that shark attacks happen in, like, 3 feet of water.
At least that's what I've seen on Shark Week, so--
And I tend to believe it.
And I was just fucking--
And also, it's a very unforgiving suit to begin with.
I'm looking at myself in the trailer,
and one thing I notice when I put it on,
because it hikes right the fuck up based on the measurements,
is I look like I've got camel toes.
There is no proof of the existence of a cock anywhere.
I just look like a man-- a fat egg man with a pussy.
Like Humpty Dumpty's butch wife, you know?. Just--
So I'm like-- For the first time in my life--
Never thought about it. Always seen it in movies and shit.
Never once considered it.
First time in my life, I'm like,
"l have to stuff something down my fucking pants."'
You know, something that's going to look dick-like
so that when I'm sitting out there
I don't look like a dick with no dick,
so I started looking around in the trailer.
Fucking nothing.
You can never find a cucumber when you want one.
Start cruising the fucking Craft Ser vice table and shit.
They got fish, whole fish,
Iike gefilte fish kind of thing,
and I'm like "lt looks like a dick."'
Am I so desperate to not seem dickless
that I will stick a fish in my pants?.
Not there yet, you know, so--
so I didn't do it, and I just suck it up.
I don't have any socks because I don't wear socks,
so I can't roll up socks and stick them down.
I've got nothing, so I'm like "Fuck it."'
I'm just going to be proud of the fact that I have no dick
and just blame it on the suit.
So we're out there shooting the scene at one point,
just sitting on our skiffs.
Boat's a few feet from us.
And I hear-- Paul Hipp goes "Hey, man, did you see that??"'
Which is something you never want to see or hear
in the middle of an ocean,
and I'm like, "See what?. What are you talking about??"'
And he's like "That over there."'
And I look out,
and something is looking at me
from the bottom-- from the ocean.
It just popped its head up, and it's fucking staring at me.
Something with fucking eyes.
Now, I don't have my glasses on
because my character doesn't like his glasses,
so I immediately start running through the catalog
of all the things
that can pop up out of the ocean
and look at you.
and, of course, my mind immediately flashes on the Jaws poster--
that view of the shark from below
where his eyes are here and his mouth and shit
and there's a chick above him,
and she's a tiny morsel compared to the meal that I am.
And also I've seen enough Shark Week
to know that, like, sharks will pop their heads out of the water
and fucking try to eat seagulls and shit.
Like, never mind the ones that are air--
Jaws will just jump up and fucking take something down.
We're like, "l am never leaving the house again,
Iet alone going in the ocean,"
but the ones that-- I've seen video
of fucking sharks that put their heads up,
trying to get a seagull, and the seagull's like "Aargh,"
and the shark's like--
And you're like, "Jesus Christ, man.
Like, they can come out of the water."'
They just haven't gotten it together
to get on land yet, but they're coming.
So I'm just like, "What the fuck is it?.
What is looking at us??"'
And fucking soon I'm peering and squinting and looking.
I'm like, "It's a fucking seal."'
A seal has poked his head up and is fucking staring at us.
And everyone's like, "That's so cute,"
and I'm just like, "Somebody shoot it now because--"
I know they're cute and shit,
but look, he's looking at us,
and I don't know what's going to happen next.
I don't want that thing swimming under my feet
and me thinking it's a seal and really it's a shark,
or a fucking-- a very rabid seal.
Look, I saw Arrested Development.
I know what a seal can do.
I was like, "So somebody blow that thing's fucking head off
because I'm fucking terrified."'
At this point, I'm really glad
I didn't stick the fish into my fucking suit.
So I'm like, "Can we cut??"' And they're like, "Why??"'
I'm like, "There's a seal out there."'
They're like, "Are you fucking serious??"'
I'm like, "All right, just whatever. Go on."'
And the seal fucking disappeared and shit.
The rest of the day,
all I do is fucking look into water
that I can't see beneath
because it's so fucking murky,
just waiting for the fucking thing
to resurface again and shit.
Never saw it again until l was heading back to the car.
We were all done shooting, walking with my surfboard to the car.
It was the only pimp moment in the whole experience
because I felt like I was in Endless Summer and shit,
just walking around with my surfboard.
And there's, like, you know, an inlet
where all the boats dock and shit like that,
so I'm walking along the paved path there,
and I look over,
and the fucking seal pops his head up again,
and then he just starts swimming,
kind of following me,
and then popping his head up
to make sure I'm there and shit,
and then goes back down.
And he's walking the length of the distance with me,
and I'm like, "l fucking knew it. He wanted blood."'
And he's waiting for me to come back.
But it was a cool experience.
I wish they'd picked up. They didn't pick it up, sadly,
but fortunately for me,
I don't have to go into the ocean ever again
because that show would have put me on the ocean every fucking episode,
and I was like, "Can't we switch it up "where some weeks we're, you know,
"going to play putt-putt golf and shit?.
"Some day-- weeks we're bowling.
Must it always be surfing??"'
They're like, "No, man, it's surfing. Surfing's a man thing."'
I'm like, "I'm barely a man.
Please don't put me in the ocean."'
I'm afraid of seals.
So that's the one upside to it not happening--
no ocean for me,
and I never have to put on a fucking wetsuit again as long as I live.
- Cool. Cheers. - Thank you, sir.
How are you, sir?.
All right. Uh...
I-- I'm, like you, getting older,
and, you know, stuff starts hurting.
Can you tell us the anal fissure story?.
Anyone know what an anal fissure is?.
Yes.
Yes. Ouch.
I had no idea.
I'm a big shitter. Love to shit.
Big fan of shitting.
One of my favorite fucking pastimes.
Almost like to shit more than I like to eat and fuck
because I can do it by myself and it feels really good,
and I get a lot of shit done while I'm shitting.
I spend a lot of time on the toilet.
I'm one of those people who sits down,
takes a shit in the first 30 seconds,
spends an hour reading.
Been doing-- I think it has a lot to do with--
Iike, I grew up in a house with one bathroom,
five people sharing one bathroom and shit,
and when I started getting my own places and whatnot,
I was just able to max and relax
without someone being like, "l need to use the bathroom. Get up."'
I remember being a kid, being in the bathroom,
my mom yelling "Get up! I got to go!"
And then she'd go to the bathroom.
I'd sit down again.
I was like, "That is so fucked up."'
So I'm a big shitter and big in size
and also a very poor diet--
you know, no roughage and shit like that,
no veggies, no greens.
Don't drink enough water, as I should.
So I tend to get bound up and whatnot.
So I've always had hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids have been a fucking prevalent problem
with me for years.
I'd sit down on the bowl and wind up pushing.
You're supposed to sit down, shit, and go.
Some days you sit on the bowl, and you're just like--
You know, just fucking straining and stressing to get shit out
Iike you're fucking passing a child and whatnot.
And apparently that's not healthy
and not the way you're supposed to go about shitting
and if it's not coming out
you're supposed to get up and walk away
and come back when it's ready to come out,
but I spent a lot of life in the earlier years just going--
you know, grabbing down on the bowl,
bearing down and shit,
Iike, almost like you're going to shit your own guts out.
You know.
So that's caused hemorrhoids,
and, you know, so I'm used to hemorrhoids.
They come around every once in a while and shit like that,
but I had a hemorrhoid
that I didn't know how else to explain it,
but it felt like it broke,
and suddenly I started feeling weird rectal pain,
Iike, that I'd never known before in my life.
It was really strange, like I would be walking around.
I'd be like, "Ow."'
Feels like somebody just stabbed me in the fucking poo hole with a knife.
You know. You ever get that feeling?.
People are like, "What, poo hole??"' You know?.
I was like, "lt just feels fucking weird,
and it kind of hurts and shit like that."'
And I was just like "l got to talk to somebody
that knows a thing or two about rectal torture,"
so I called my brother.
[laughter]
Because he's got more experience in the subject than I do, right?.
So I'm like, "Dude, does your ass ever really fucking hurt??"'
And he's just like "You're kidding, right??"'
I was like, "Yeah, but, I mean, I don't know.
I just feel like I've got--"
"Have you ever gotten your asshole cut or something?.
It feels like I got a cut on my asshole,"
and he's like, "Yeah, sometimes it's gone, you know--
"I've felt something akin to what you're describing,
"and I just grab some Desotin and rub it in,
and it kind of helps."'
I was like, "Desotin?. Like baby lotion??"'
He's like, "Yeah, totally helps."'
I was like, "All right, man."' Give it a fucking shotsky.
Got some Desotin, rubbed it in.
I was like, "Ow! Fucking ow!"
You know, didn't fucking help.
Did nothing but fucking hurt,
and I was just like,
"l don't know what's fucking going on here.
Because I can't see.
Like, even if I squat over a mirror,
this is in the way,
and it's even worse
if I can fucking suck this in and see past it.
The view just makes me want to put a bullet in my head.
Because I'm like, "Jesus Christ.
"It's nothing but flab and tiny ball hairs,
and where's my asshole??"'
You know?. It's just fucking soak me down,
rub me around in flour,
and find the wet spot.
So I'm like, "l can't--"
I said, "I've got to do the unthinkable,
the thing that I never in a million years
thought I would fucking ask for,
and I fucking turned to my wife,
and I was like, "l need you to look at my asshole."'
And her eyes just fucking like--
"Wait, don't you usually want me to look at your dick??"'
And I'm like, "No, this ain't a sex thing.
It hurts, and I need you to look at it,"
and she's like, "l mean, I can do that if that's what you want."'
I said, "l don't want it,
"but you're the only person I know who I can ask
"who I'm intimate enough with
that it would be kind of okay if you looked,"
and she's like, "All right.
Uh, you mean now??"'
And I was like, "Yeah, now. It fucking hurts, man.
I'm in pain and shit."'
So I lay down, drop my fucking drawers and shit,
Iay down on the bed face down,
fucking grab both cheeks,
and crane as far fucking left and right as I can
to get that shit spread open,
just to give her a nice fucking view.
And I'm like, "You see anything??"'
She's like, "A little too much, yeah."'
I was like, "Anything look weird??"'
She's like, "You know you got a lot of hair in your asshole??"'
It was like, "Yeah, I know, but do you see anything,
Iike am I bleeding?. Is there a cut??"'
She's like, "l don't know, Kevin.
There's a lot of folds down here."'
I was like, "This is fucking useless. You just--"
She was like, "Why don't you go to the doctor??"'
"l don't want to go to the doctor, man.
"l don't want to go to no proctologist.
I saw Fletch, you know.
I don't want to be doing like, d Moon River d
So I was like, "l can't fucking do it, man. I can't commit.
Maybe it'll just fucking go away."'
I was like, "You know what l should do is stop eating
because every time I take a shit, it seems to hurt more."'
But it doesn't hurt when I'm shitting.
When I'm shitting, it feels okay.
But when I stop shitting,
suddenly it really fucking hurts.
It, like, aches to the point
where I had to go and lay down.
I would take a shit,
and I would go lay down for three hours,
and that, after about three hours, the pain would subside,
so I was like, "Maybe I should just stop eating altogether
"and see what happens
"because if I'm not shitting,
there won't be that after-shit pain that I've been dealing with."'
So she's like, "That's unreasonable.
"Maybe you should fucking eat more
"so your digestive tract is in more activity,
"and maybe it's just not used to
"because you went on an all-liquid diet for a long time,
"and maybe it's not used to shitting a lot anymore,
and maybe that's the problem is just seeing more activity."'
I was like, "Yeah, maybe you're right,
so I should eat more."'
Stupid fucking dumb idea.
Just really retarded as all fuck
because I would shit more,
and it would fucking hurt me fucking more.
I was just in total fucking agony, and I couldn't understand it,
and I'm a fairly smart individual,
but I was like, "l don't get it.
I don't understand what's going on and shit."'
In the midst of this,
I got a fucking jury duty notice.
Terrible. And, you know,
I ducked jury duty for a long time
because we were making movies,
and you can always use the excuse
"I'm working and I can't get off."'
"I'm in a different country."'
This one I've kind of reached the drop dead where I had to do it,
or else they weren't going to-- they'd arrest me or some such shit.
Whatever. The one where you got to do it or else you're in trouble.
So I was like, "Fuck,
I have no interest in doing this."'
I can't imagine sitting because I couldn't sit.
I was just laying on my stomach
for fucking weeks and shit,
sitting there rubbing my asshole,
Iike I was massaging my ass--
My fingers stank so badly
because all I would do is massage my asshole all the time
because it hurt so much,
and I was like, "Maybe if I just fucking relax it,
it'll be okay."'
Like, there was one night--
I think it was Christmas-- no, Thanksgiving,
my favorite fucking holiday in the world, dude.
I love fucking turkey and mashed potatoes.
I couldn't wait for Thanksgiving.
Couldn't even fucking get through the meal
because I sat down, I was in agony.
I started tearing up and shit like that.
I am not a drinking man,
but I was like, "Give me a belt of Scotch, please."'
Like, never tasted Scotch in my life.
Threw a glass back. I was like, "Nope, it's not helping."'
Jen was like, "l got some fucking codeine left over
from when I had my neck operation,"
and I was like, "Codeine??"'
She was like, "Yeah. It's either that or fucking Percocet."'
I was like, "Percocet?. Mewes used to use Percocets.
Give me the Percocets."'
Because I've seen that dude when he was fucked up,
and let me tell you, he felt no rectal pain.
So I popped a couple Percocets,
did another belt of Scotch and shit.
Malcolm was in town.
Malcolm was just like, "l got some weed."'
I was like, "Give me the weed, man."'
Like, I got fucking stoned.
The fucking Percs, the booze,
and, you know, I felt like I was Fat Elvis.
Percs, booze, and weed did nothing to dull that pain.
I was still fucking in agony and shit,
and I would just go cower in my bed.
Didn't want to be around people and shit,
so the thought of doing jury duty
was like fucking hell on earth.
I was like, "Sitting in a box
"for fucking however long a case is?.
I can't do it, man."'
And Gail, my mother-in-law, my assistant, Jen's mom,
was just like, "You got to do it.
If you don't do it, you're going to be in trouble this time."'
So I go to the L.A. courthouse and shit.
Sitting in the jury pool.
And you always hear these stories
about, like, "Oh, I was there all day. They didn't pick me.
I got home. They didn't call me for another two years."'
I was like, "Right on. Maybe that'll be me."'
So I bring some shit with me, and I'm in the jury pool room,
and everyone's sitting in chairs,
and I'm just leaning against the wall,
trying to find a comfortable position,
because what you learn very quickly when you have some rectal pain
is that the sphincter is the fulcrum of your whole body.
It's weird.
Like, you never really think about the asshole.
You're like, "Just shit comes out of it,
"and sometimes, if a girl's really happy with you,
you get to fuck her in it."'
It becomes the-- It is the fucking focus point
of your whole being.
You move this arm,
it reverberates in your sphincter.
You move this finger,
it reverberates in your sphincter.
Move your head. Everything is connected to that.
Like, if I was a marionette,
that's where you would work me from.
You know, fucking--
Not the puppet kind,
but just like with the strings and shit.
Everything operates from the asshole.
So I couldn't stand without feeling the fucking pain.
So I'm leaning against walls, and it's fucking hurting.
And finally I hear him say my number,
which was like 35 or something like that.
I was like, "Fuck!"
So they pull me into this courtroom,
and we're sitting in the audience part of the jury.
Like, not in the jury box,
but where the audience sits during a case.
And they're pulling people up.
And I become prospective Juror #3.
So they got 12 people up there.
And they go through the voir dire process
where the lawyers ask you question and shit like that.
They start-- two lawyers talk,
and then they start picking off people.
You know, like, "Number 4 you're released from duty."'
"Number 1 2, you're released from duty. Thank you."'
"Number 10, we're not going to need you.
Thank you very much for your time."'
And then they fill the box in with more people,
they go through more questions and shit like that.
And like-- "Let me ask you this question.
Um, lawyers. How do you feel about lawyers??"'
And I said-- the first two people in front of me
are like, "Look, I fucking hate lawyers.
Like, lawyers should all burn in hell" and shit.
You know, what's the best-- a good--
What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?.
A good start. Like, all that shit, right?.
So everyone's coming down on lawyers,
and I'm just like, "I'm gonna go another way completely."'
So they get to me, and the judge is like,
"Juror #3, have you ever used a lawyer, uh, retained a lawyer
and how do you feel about lawyers in general??"'
And I said, "Let me tell you.
I retain a lawyer all the time.
"l got a lawyer who works for me and shit.
Does all my contracts.
"And I love lawyers because my lawyer helps me make money.
So-- and he's a good guy. We get along really well."'
He's like, "Okay."'
Stupid fucking answer. Dumb answer.
The answer should have been,
"All lawyers should burn in hell."'
Because the first two people were like,
"Juror #1, you're excused. Juror #2, you're excused."'
I'm like, "Fuck! Why didn't I go the same way??"'
Why didn't I just say, "Lawyers are bitches.
They're worse than Hitler"?. You know?.
Just something really fucking terrible
'cause it would have gotten me fucking excused and shit.
He comes down to the final 1 2.
He's getting ready to lock the fucking jury,
and I'm like, "l can't fucking do this, man.
I can't fucking sit here through this trial."'
Like, it's impossible for me to do this.
I'm in such agony, sitting on these chairs.
I keep shifting from fucking side to side.
And prospective Juror #2 is looking at me like,
"Get off me, dude."' Like, you know.
Immediately wants out of the case
because she can't imagine me leaning on her
for the entire duration of the case.
So the judge goes, "Okay, before I lock this jury,
"I've got to ask everybody,
"is there anything you wish to express to counsels
that may preclude you from being involved in this case??"'
And I'm like, "This is my moment.
"lf I don't say something now, I'm here. Like, I'm fucked.
So this is going to be embarrassing,
but fuck it, I'm going to do it."'
And I raised my hand. He's like, "Juror #3??"'
And I was like, "Your Honor,
"um, I have what feels like a broken hemorrhoid right now.
And I'm in real bad pain, so I hate everybody."'
And he just looks at me and he goes, "Good to know, Juror #3.
Okay, well, this jury's locked. Thank you and--"
I was like, "Fucking, no! No!"
And the case immediately fucking begins.
And it turns out it's a case
about two lawyers suing one another.
So fucking me saying "l hate lawyers"
would have been the right way to go.
I tried to out-think it and shit,
got caught in the box because they want--
I'm sitting there, going "l love lawyers."'
And they're like, "We want him."'
So I'm like, "Fuck!"
And it's not even a cool case.
You know, you watch Law and Order and shit
and "Hang 'em High" McCoy is up front
and fucking sending people to chamber and shit.
And just pulling shit out of his ass that's compelling.
You like watching it,
even though it's just a dude talking,
because he's so smart and shit.
Court cases are so fucking boring, dude.
This one lawyer was, like, um,
what do they call it?. Not cross examining,
because that's when the other person does it.
He's talking to his witness.
- The witness is up on the stand. - [audience member] Direct!
He's doing direct. Thank you very much.
I watch so much Law and Order, you'd think I'd know.
He's on direct and shit,
and he's talking to his fucking client.
about, like, you know, this case
about where she was represented by this other lawyer
and how she wasn't paid properly.
It's a two-hour fucking story
that neither of them tries to make interesting at all.
And, like, I'm all about, like, entertain me.
I'll listen to your bullshit
if you throw a fucking dick joke in there somewhere.
Just fucking throw something in there.
It is just boring, droning talk.
And meanwhile my asshole fucking hurts like you wouldn't believe.
And I'm shifting constantly.
Juror #2 is looking at me like I'm trying to cop a feel.
But I'm just like, "Help me!
It hurts!" You know?. So Day One ends, and I'm like,
"Maybe they'll wrap this case up real quickly."'
They didn't.
And we were heading into Day Two,
so I went home, and I was just like, "l know what I gotta do."'
I can't eat. Because the moment I eat,
I shit, and then it really starts to hurt.
So I'm not going to eat in the morning.
That way, I won't have to shit, and everything'll be okay.
So go back to the court case.
Next day.
Brought a pad. Didn't fucking work.
It still hurt.
But I'm sitting there,
and suddenly midway through the morning,
it starts feeling habitable.
Not good. But just like,
"Oh, it doesn't feel
Iike somebody's got a fucking ice pick up my ass.
"Like it feels-- I feel somewhat normal.
"It's just a dull, throbbing pain
and not a sharp fucking
somebody's-twisting-a-knife pain."'
So I was like, "Maybe it's calming down."'
Maybe it's feeling better and shit."'
So we get a break at lunchtime.
I was like, "I'm not going to eat."'
Because if I eat, then I'm going to have to shit,
and if I shit, it's gonna hurt.
So I'm just-- I go outside and have a cigarette.
Now, when I smoke, I have to shit for some reason.
There's some kind of--
I don't know if it's the nicotine carcinogen
fucking hits your sphincter, and your sphincter's like,
"All right, let's dump."'
Like, in the morning I wake up, have a cigarette,
immediately I go take a shit.
But I was so bored, I was like, "l want a cigarette."'
Because I couldn't eat, so I couldn't fill my mouth,
so I was like, "l need to smoke."'
Went out and smoked, immediately had to take a shit.
And I was like, "Fuck!"
Went to the fucking bathroom.
Tried to find the most remote bathroom
where fucking people, criminals weren't shitting and pissing at the time.
Found one on a different floor altogether in the courthouse.
Took a shit. Felt fine while I was shitting.
The moment I fucking pulled up my pants,
it was just a deafening, fucking pain.
Like, just fucking turned me over on my side
in a dirty stall where I'm almost fucking Trainspotting it into the toilet.
Just such fucking agony and shit.
And then stumble out of the fucking room,
Ieaning against walls and whatnot.
And get back to the courtroom,
and they're like, "We're back in session."'
And I was like, "Great."'
And go up to-- stumble to the jury box,
and the bailiff's there, and I'm like,
"Look, would you mind terribly if I leaned on the jury box
instead of sitting in my seat??"'
And she's like, "Why??"'
She's like, "Oh, you're the hemorrhoid guy.
Uh, yeah, that's fine by me.
Go ahead, lean right here, hon."'
I was like, "Thank you."'
So fucking session begins again.
The dude is still on direct with his clients,
still boring as sin.
I'm fucking leaning against the jury box at this point.
The other jurors keep looking over at me,
Iike, "Why's he get to hang outside??"'
I'm trying to find another position.
Every angle I go, it fucking hurts more and more
and there's only one angle, or one position to be in
where it feels okay.
So I'm like, "Fuck it. I'm going to do it."'
And I just lay down on the floor
in the courthouse, man.
I just hit the fucking deck, and I'm like, "Oh, oh."'
And finally there's some fucking rectal relief.
And I'm like, "Ohhh."'
And so I'm still listening to the boring-ass testimony
and finally able to not concentrate
on my fucking rectal pain.
But I can't see anybody
because I'm below the jury box, off to the side.
And the people in the audience, the gallery behind us, are like--
But I don't care, dude, 'cause it was fucking relief.
And all of a sudden I hear the judge go,
"Um, hold on a second.
Did we lose somebody??"'
And he's like, "Juror #3,
what happened?. Where'd you go??"'
And I was like, "I'm down here, Your Honor."'
And he stands up and he's like, "Oh, there you are.
What's-- What's going on??"'
I said, "I'm in such pain right now. I can't-- I'm sorry.
"l know I'm supposed to be standing up,
"but I can't-- I can't even do that.
I can't sit, I can't stand. It just hurts so much."'
He's like, "Oh, yeah. That's right.
You're the guy with butt problems."' Um...
He's like, "Well, as long as neither counsel has a problem with it,
"I'm okay to let it go. Um...
"l would ask, however, if you could just--
"l think it's important that you see the witness as she gives testimony.
"And look at her face.
Um, like, can you do that??"'
I was like, "l can barely move."'
And he's like, "Just drag yourself forward two feet."'
"And I think you'll be able
to see her face while you're doing it."'
I was like, "Honestly, Your Honor,
"l could care less about seeing her face right now.
I'm in so much pain."'
He's like, "Well, what can we do for you??"'
And I was like, "Can we get, like, a ten-minute recess
or something like that??"'
He's like, "Yeah, totally.
Ten-minute recess, starting now."'
So jurors have a room,
Iike off to the right or some--
the courtroom, the jury pool room,
where you're supposed to sit and deliberate when the case is over.
Where the 1 2 angry men fucking fight with each other and shit.
And I was a fucking--
I was the angriest of the 1 2 angry men that day.
I assure you. Because I was in such pain.
So I go in, and there's a men's room and a women's room.
And the men's room, I go into the men's bathroom side,
fucking open my pants, put some toilet paper down there,
pull it up, tons of blood.
So I'm like, "Oh, my God.
What the fuck's going on down there, man?.
Something is eating me in a bad way."'
So I go out into the room,
and I try laying down on the conference room table,
but it's too hard and shit.
And then I go to the ladies' room
and they got one of those menstrual couches there.
Like, you know, when you go to the department stores and shit
and the ladies' bathroom has a couch in it.
Where you're like, "Why the fuck do they have a couch??"'
Is because you get cramps real bad.
Sometimes you gotta lay down.
Maybe they did it more in the '70s than they do now.
But that's where I saw it.
I remember my mother taking me to the bathroom
and being like, "Why do you have a fucking couch in here?.
This is awesome."'
So I went and laid down on that couch,
and I tried laying on my fucking side, and it hurt.
And I tried laying on my fucking back, and it hurt.
And I'm just laying on my stomach and shit.
And I think it was Juror #6 came in.
You know, presumably to go take a squirt.
And, um, she walks past me, and she goes, "Oh. Juror #3.
Um, how are you??"'
And I was like, "Not good."'
I was like, "l know you're trying to use the bathroom
but I'm sorry, I can't get up.
"Just-- You go in there.
I'll cover my ears and pretend to not listen."'
She's like, "I'll just use the bathroom outside."'
I was like, "Right on. Sorry. Thanks."'
So I'm just laying there, hating life.
Bailiff comes back, and she's just like,
"How you doing??"' I said, "Not fucking good.
I'll be honest with you, ma'am. This is really bad."'
I said, "And look, I know you guys need me out there
and I really want to do my civic duty"--
and I had to not laugh 'cause I said "duty"--
And I said, "But I just can't move, man.
"Like, right now it's not feeling
"like I'm in utter agony,
but I'm just-- laying on my belly's the only way to do it."'
And she's like, "Well, what else can we do??"'
I said, "Look, if you really want me out there,
"you know, you guys could just carry this couch into the courtroom
"like Cleopatra-style.
"And, you know, as long as I can lay there,
and listen to the case, I think I'd be okay with that."'
And she's like, "That's not really
how it works around here."'
And I said, "Yeah, but l don't know what to tell you."'
And she said, "Well, what about--
Iet me talk to the judge, see what the judge says."'
And I was like, "Thank you."'
So I'm laying there and shit.
She comes back after a few seconds.
She goes, "The judge would like to speak with you.
Can you make it out there??"'
I was like, "l don't know if I could."'
She's like, "l think you might want to come out for this discussion
because we're gonna end earlier today."'
And I said, "Okay, can you help me out??"'
And she's like, "All right."'
Gives me a hand up and shit. I'm leaning on her.
It's like I've had a fucking leg blown off.
Gets me out into the fucking courtroom,
and I'm leaning on the jury box again.
And the whole place is cleared except for both defense and--
and what's the other one that's not defense?.
Defendant?.
- [audience member] Prosecution! - Prosecution, thank you.
It's late.
The prosecution and defense lawyers are there.
Their clients are there, the judge is there.
The stenographer's there, the bailiff's there,
and I am there, leaning on the jury box,
trying not to fucking pass out.
And the jury goes-- the judge goes,
"Juror #3, so what's going on??"'
And I said, "Like I said earlier, Your Honor,
"l think I got a hemorrhoid that just busted open
"or something. I can't see back there.
but it just-- I know it hurts."'
And he's like, "Well, is there anything you think we can do about this??"'
And I said, I said, "Just, honestly, Your Honor,
"it feels like somebody slid a knife up my ass.
"And I don't know what that feels like,
"it's never been done to me,
but I'm pretty sure this is how it would feel."'
And the stenographer's like--
And the judge is like, "You realize we're on the record, right??"'
And I was like, "lt doesn't matter. Don't care.
Hurts so much."'
And he was like, "What if I could send you home right now?.
Would you be able to get into a doctor??"'
I said, "Yeah, I could get into a doctor today."'
He's like, "I'm going to give you my number,
"my personal number.
"l want you to call me tonight or tomorrow morning
"and let me know about your condition.
"lf it improves, then, you know,
we'll start the case with you again tomorrow.
If not, then I guess I'll have to excuse you from the case."'
And as he's writing that number down,
I'm like, "Don't give me a choice, dude,
"because I'm never going to call you.
"You know, I'm just going to call you to be like,
"My asshole blew up the moment I walked out of--
out of the courtroom and shit."'
So he gives me the number. I say, "Thank you, Your Honor."'
So I get an appointment for a proctologist.
Finally I break down and do it.
And, um, go in,
and the first thing I notice in the office
is that I am the youngest person there by 60 years.
I am surrounded by a sea of old men and shit
who are in the deep, deep, deep twilight of their years.
You know, basically ten minutes from the fucking grave.
And all looking at me like, "What are you doing here?.
You look pretty young and shit."'
And I'm real ner vous and tight about going in,
'cause I'm just, you know, I don't like going to doctors,
Iike most people don't.
But I really don't like going
because I don't like people looking at my dick except my wife,
and she won't look at it.
The irony is the dude that will look at it,
I don't want him to see it
'cause I don't want him looking at me, going like, "You call that a dick?.
Look how small it is."'
So I'm sitting in the office,
the doctor's office waiting room, terrified and shit.
And I look over,
and I see Sidney Poitier sitting there.
Mr. Fucking Tibbs, you know?.
And suddenly I felt a little better.
I was just like, "lf this doctor's good enough for Sidney fucking Poitier,
maybe I can trust this guy."'
It was fucked up. I almost wanted to go over
and be like, "Dude, you were in Sneakers, man.
What's up with your asshole??"'
And the doctor comes out to get him.
He's like, "Sidney."'
And he comes out, and the dude's kind of older.
Looks like he's about 70 or something, white hair.
Definitely not in my demographic
because that's the other thing I'm worried about.
I'm always worried that I'm going to go into a doctor's office
where the doctor's like, "Hey, Silent Bob."'
And then fucking does an examination
and then goes out into the world.
He's like, "Do you know Silent Bob's dick is so fucking small?.
"l could barely see that shit with that little doctor thing in my eye."'
So I see the old guy come out.
I'm like, "Right on. This dude ain't gonna know me from fucking Adam,
"so I don't care if he's looking at my asshole
or seeing me with my pants off."'
The nurse goes, "Mr. Smith, we're ready for you."'
I was like, "Right on."' She takes me in another door.
I sit in the room, as well as I can.
And the doctor comes in,
and he doesn't look up right away.
But the thing that I see immediately
is he's not the other doctor that was Sidney Poitier's doctor.
Presumably, that guy has his fingers in Sidney Poitier
as I'm sitting there.
This is another guy who looks like he's about 39, 41.
So he comes in with his clipboard.
He's like, "Okay, Mr. Smith, how-- how are we doing today??"'
And I know that look, man.
'Cause I see it a lot in my life.
And it's the look that says, "It's Silent Bob."'
And I was like, "Fuck, I just got made, man.
"And he's gonna see my dick. And I'm in rectal pain.
And fucking, this couldn't be fucking worse."'
And he's like, "Well, how are we feeling??"'
I said, "I'll be honest with you, man.
I just-- I'm in pain, dude. Something happened back there."'
I said, "l get hemorrhoids a lot.
"lt felt like maybe a hemorrhoid blew up or something like that.
"l know there's blood, and it just feels
Iike somebody's sticking a knife up my ass."'
And he's like, "Well, let's get you on the table
and check it out."'
So he puts me up on the table.
He's like, "You can take your pants off."'
And gives me a little dressing gown to put on.
And he's like, "Now, I just need you to lay on your side."'
I lay down. I'm on my side and shit.
And he puts on the gloves.
And I'm like, "l can't imagine anything going near or in my asshole at this point."'
I can't imagine.
I'm not one of those guys who's like, "l don't want shit in my asshole."'
I've had a finger or two up my asshole.
At this point in time, nothing. Don't want nothing.
Not even if they're like, "This is the cure for fat.
Just let me stick it up your ass..."'
[laughter, applause]
"And you will be a thin person forever."'
I'd be like, "I'm sorry, not now."'
You know?. "One chance only."'
"Fuck it, I'll be fat. Get it away from me."'
So, the dude-- Like, I'm laying on my side.
I feel the dude lift up my ass cheek.
But it's two attempts.
One with one hand...
and then the second hand comes into play.
And I can't see him, but it feels like a real--
You know?.
Two hands to lift one cheek.
And I'm bracing myself, dude.
I'm holding on to the table, digging in with my nails,
waiting for the fucking--
where I'm just going to fly off the fucking table and shit.
And suddenly he just lets my asshole-- my cheek down.
My asshole closes again.
He's like, "Okay, we're done."'
And I was like, "You're kidding me.
Like, really?. I'm fixed??"'
He's like, "Oh, no. You're not fixed."'
I was like, "But you don't have to do anything, probe any deeper??"'
He's just like, "No. I couldn't do that right now.
You'd leap off the table."'
I was like, "That's what I was thinking."'
I was like, "What's going on back there??"'
He says, "Very simple. You have an anal fissure."'
And I was like, "What is that, man??"'
And he's just like, "Ah, it's a cut in your sphincter."'
I was like, "Jesus Christ, how did that happen??"'
And he's like, "l don't know. How did it happen??"'
I was like, "l don't know, dude."'
He's like, "Ah, it could come from any number of things."'
He's going, "lt looks like you strain a lot
"while going to the bathroom.
You might have broken a hemorrhoid open or something."'
He's like, "It's very common. If you're sitting in a room,
60%%% of the people sitting in the room with you have an anal fissure."'
I was like, "Get out of here."' He's like, "Oh, totally."'
"Well, how come fucking nobody ever says 'Ow, my ass hurts!'??"'
He's like, "Because it's, you know,
it's the rectum, and people don't really like
talking about sphincter problems and shit."'
And he's a doctor, but I could tell he was digging on the fact
that I speak very colloquially.
Like, you know, I'm busting-- I say shit, I say ass, I say fuck.
And you could tell he likes being a little naughty.
Like, normally he gets old fuckers in there and shit.
They're like, "My prostate hurts" and shit.
And he's finally got somebody around his age
whose work he knows, obviously,
based on our exchanged look.
And he's clearly like, fucking digging on the fact.
He's like, "People aren't around?. Fuck!"
You know, just like--
Likes talking like a grownup for a change.
And I was like, "What do you do for this sort of thing??"'
And he's just like, "Um...
"there's really not much.
"It's the kind of thing that has to heal itself.
I'm going to prescribe a couple things to you."'
And I was like, "Well, why does it hurt so much?.
Why does it hurt after I shit??"'
And he's like, "Well, you see,
"what you got here is a situation
"where you've got a cut in your sphincter.
"It's obviously climbing up deeper than what I can see on the surface.
"I'm seeing the opening here,
but it probably travels up a bit more."'
He's going, "And, um,
as you-- as you void your bowels--"
And I was like, "Shit??"' He was like, "As you shit,"
he's going, "It's moving past the scar,
"but that's affecting the scar.
"But in the moment you don't feel it.
You're feeling the after-effects."'
He's going, "Because your whole sphincter and colon
are spasming to kind of protect the wound."'
And I'm like, "l don't quite understand that."'
He's like, "Think about it like this.
"lf I took your hand and I cut you with a razor,
"the first thing you would do is clutch it to your body.
You know, to put pressure on the wound."'
He's going, "That's what your colon and sphincter are doing right now.
"You've got a cut, and something runs across it
"or rubs it the wrong way. It's tensing up.
" And it's problematic
"because it's an involuntary tension.
"You have no control over it. And it will keep doing it.
It's like make a fist and keep making the fist until your fist bleeds."'
He's going, "That's what's going on down there right now."'
And I was like, "That is so fucked up."'
He's like, "Yeah, it's not pleasant."'
I said, "But wait a second, dude.
"Like, if I've got an open wound in my ass,
isn't that-- how fucking unhygienic is that??"'
I was going, "Because I've got an open cut,
and shit is going past the open cut."'
And he's just like, "Well, that's something
where you might not know this but,"
he's going, "shit doesn't have nearly the amount of bacteria in it
that the human mouth has."'
He's going, "Your saliva is more viral
than your feces before it leaves your body."'
I was like, "Get out of here."' He's like, "It's true."'
He's going, "lf I cut your hand with a razor-- "
And I was like, "This dude loves the razor-cutting metaphor."'
He's like, "lf I cut your hand with a razor,
"and you licked it, you know, sucked on the wound,
"um, it would be a higher chance of infection
than if you took shit and rubbed it into the wound."'
And I was like, "Get out of here."'
He's like, "It's absolutely true."'
He's like, "Your mouth is far more viral.
It has far more germs in it than your feces has."'
And I was like, "But I've always heard
that, like, a dog's mouth was cleaner than a human's mouth."'
And he's like, "Uh-huh."'
I was like, "But a dog licks his asshole. Is that why??"'
And the doctor's looking at me like,
"Uh, I don't even know how to respond to that."'
He was like, "l don't think
one has to do anything with the other, Mr. Smith."'
And I was like, "Right on. I was just kind of spitballing."'
I said, "What do we do next??"'
He's like, "Well, I'm going to give you two creams,
"prescribe you a couple creams right now.
"You're gonna use them. One's topical.
"And one you can kind of push in
"as much as you can and stuff.
"One you do three times a day,
one you do when the pain is bad."'
The pain one is a dulling agent where it kind of--
it will put your asshole to sleep.
And you could tell he loved saying "asshole."'
Like, he's Dr. Asshole.
That's his job-- to deal with assholes.
And in his office all day, he never gets to say "asshole."'
All he says is, "rectal," "colon," "sphincter."'
But finally, here was somebody he could be like,
"Rub it in your asshole, dude."'
Just really let his hair down and shit.
So he's like, "You're gonna rub it on your asshole
when you're feeling a little pain,
and the shit will dull the ring."'
He's going, "Unfortunately,
"this one's topical, so if the cut--
"if the fissure is running way up,
"you're not going to be able to dull that.
You're still going to feel that."'
And I was like, "Am I still going to feel it whenever I take a shit??"'
He's going, "Afterwards, it's really going to hurt you."'
I said, "I've been averaging about three, four hours
of being completely down after I take a shit."'
He's like, "That's not going to get any better.
But you use this cream, and it's definitely going to help."'
I said, "What am I looking at??"'
He's like, "This cream, you put on the perianal area."'
He's like, "Use this.
"ln about four weeks, you're going to feel 50%%% better."'
And I was like, "What?.
Where do you pull those numbers from, man?.
"Those are bad numbers.
What do you mean four weeks, 50%%% better and shit??"'
He's like, "Yeah. It's pretty much how it works.
These things, they just have to heal themselves."'
He's going, "l could go in there and sew you up,
but you really don't want that."'
And I was like, "But four weeks, 50%%% better, man?.
"Where's fucking-- Where's Star Trek, dude?.
"Where's Bones McCoy?.
"l saw fucking Star Trek: The Voyage Home and shit,
"and he was in an elevator with a sick person,
"and the person was dying.
"He put a little wavy wand over him
"with the lights on it and went 'Boop',
and the dude was fucking healed and shit."'
I was like, "You're telling me--
Granted I know we can't do that shit
"where you could fucking heal me with a wavy wand,
"and I can go out and shoot Klingons-- but you can't--
"The best you can do for me is a cream
where in four weeks I'm going to feel 50%%% better??"'
He's like, "That's the way it is.
Just rest, try not to fool with that area too much."'
I'm like, "What are you implying??"'
So I went home, started rubbing the fucking cream in,
and I'll be damned if he wasn't right.
It took me four fucking weeks to feel fucking whole again, man.
And that was just whole enough
to kind of not lay on my stomach anymore.
And it's still--
Now I'm fucking real, real careful around that are.
Because I used to be a real haphazard wiper, man.
Not thinking twice about it.
Sometimes I'd be wiping my ass, toilet paper would break,
fucking nails would cut into me and shit.
I'd be like, "Whatever," you know.
My asshole's tempered in steel."'
Now it is the most delicate area of my fucking body, man.
I used to be a big fan of anal and shit.
Not pressing it, but laying a chick
who's willing to give it up, I'm like, "Right on."'
I won't go near a chick's asshole anymore, man, except to rim job.
But I won't try to stick my dick in
because it fucking hurts, dude.
It hurts when you've got a cut on the outside of your asshole.
I can't imagine what it feels like--
whole fucking cock running up there and shit.
It was crazy. I learned a lot in that day.
And what I learned, the most important lesson of my life--
If you don't have good rectal health,
you've got dog shit, nothing.
Thank you all for coming out. Good night!
Hey, it's me.
Just in case you didn't get enough of me over the course of nearly four hours.
What a show, huh?. Boy, can I sweat. A lot.
See those sweat stain marks and stuff.
That's what they used to call me in high school--
"Hey, Sweat Stain."'
And it was a grade up from "Hey, Fat Ass," "Lard Fuck,"
"Huge Balls," which I thought was complimentary for a while,
but apparently not.
"FOP" they'd call me a lot.
"Fat Overweight Penis."'
I thought-- At first I was like, "I'm foppish.
All right, I'll take that. Like the British."'
And they're like, "No. It means 'Fat Overweight Penis.""
I was like, "Thanks. A lot."'
Speaking of thanks, this is the part of the show--
Well, the show's over.
The P.S. of the show where I would like to thank a few people,
which I never get a chance to do.
Usually, by the time the show's over,
I'm like, "Fuck you. Good night."'
Or I'm just tired. I don't want to thank anybody.
I'm done talking. I've shot my wad.
I've got nothing left to say.
But apparently, based on this, I still have things left to say.
Although, to be fair, it's months later.
Months after that fucking show, man.
Back in Los Angeles, kickin' at home.
Not in Jersey in the cold, cold--
It would be cold right now. Where I am-- not so bad.
But anyway, enough about me. Some thanks.
I want to thank everybody who came out to the show.
Without you we wouldn't have had an audience and whatnot.
And for the astute viewer--
Well, maybe not for the astute viewer.
For the non-astute viewer,
if you're watching those crowd scenes,
you see a lot of empty seats--
because it said "sold out" on the marquee.
And you're like, "How could it be sold out?. Look at all those empty seats."'
The astute viewer would realize those empty seats
are the people that are lined up, waiting to ask questions.
So if someone on the I MDB message board
is like, "Hardly sold out."'
You can get in there
and be like, "Fuck you. Get a life. Get some pussy.
You won't worry about inane details like this."'
So thank you for the audience.
Thank you to the audience for showing up.
Thanks to Jen and Harley for introducing me.
Thanks to Zak and Joey who shot the whole thing,
put it all together
and made me look thin, from what I understand.
Very thin. They were in post.
I was like, "Can you make me look thin??"'
And they just cranked an anamorphic thing on it,
and suddenly I look like fucking Scott Mosier--
all thin and whatnot with a long neck.
I look like the alien from Close Encounters coming out.
Be good.
I know that was the other movie,
but you get the idea.
Thanks to the Weinstein Company
for ponying up the dough to do it.
It was really awfully sweet of them
because that meant somebody essentially paid for my birthday party.
That was my birthday party. How strange.
Most people go out, do a bunch of coke off a hooker's ass.
Not me. I got up on stage for four hours, sweated balls,
talked about my dick and my ripped asshole,
which, if you're still curious, is okay, but it's left a mark.
There's a ripple effect going on there.
A lot of extra skin, like scar tissue.
I can't see because, you know, "A", I can't see,
but "B", even if I sat over a mirror and whatnot,
I only have two hands and there are about 1 9 rolls
that I'd have to clear, so I still can't see my asshole.
But in my mind's eye
when I feel it and touch it, when I'm like...
it feels like there's some weird scar tissue.
Feels like I got a set of nuts in my ass,
to be honest with you.
But whatever.
But the biggest thanks of all
go out to the good folks at Panasonic,
particularly my main man Ed Janda,
the guy who got us all the equipment to shoot the show.
So a big thanks to them.
If you want to thank them in your own personal way,
go out and buy a shitload of Panasonic products, man.
They're all fine products.
Made by the Asians, right?.
So they're way better than anything you can fucking find
in this country, I assure you.
They know how to make a fucking camera over there and whatnot.
And Ed Janda's the man who gave us the hook-up,
so big props to Ed Janda.
And then I'd like to just thank all the little people,
which I don't mean in a condescending way.
I mean because everybody compared to me is little
because they're all thinner and whatnot.
So I thank them all for making me feel bad about myself
every morning I get up.
If it was a world of fat people, I'd fit right in.
I'd feel normal.
But because of the little people,
it makes me feel insecure.
It makes me feel like I gotta fucking--
I gotta measure up somehow.
It drives me. It pushes me and whatnot.
So at night it makes me sleep in the fetal position,
rocking back and forth, going, "Why?. Why do I have a fat gene??"'
But in the morning,
it makes me get up and do a hard day's work,
which, as you could see, is just me standing on stage
going like, "l met Bruce Willis."'
So there it is, man.
Thanks for watching.
Thanks to all the people I mentioned.
Gail Stanley, who runs my life.
My mom, who gave birth to me and was there.
My brother, who I share a birthday with.
The dogs, who didn't come, but I might be sitting around watching this--
because I kick back and watch myself on TV all the time--
I know you're laughing, but it's fucking true.
And I might be watching,
and the dogs might hear all these names
but not hear their own, so I throw--
Mulder and Scully-- those are my dogs' names.
A little gay, but whatever.
Louis, Shecky.
Thanks for Shecky, who gave me an hour-long fucking story.
That dog was worth the price of admission
just because I got that fucking huge
"that little dog got fucked" story.
So, thanks to everybody
and we'll see you on Evening with Kevin Smith IV.
Ten hours.
It's going to look like-- come in a suitcase like that.
Fucking-- What is it called?.
Blade Runner, the Ridley Scott Definitive disc.
Comes in a little fucking suitcase and shit.
A valise, if you will.
Subtitled By J. R. Media Ser vices, lnc. Burbank, CA
Shecky wanted to say good-bye.
"Bye. Bye.
My pussy's gaping."'
Wanna see it?. Check it out, man.
Look at that shit. Huge.
Fat puss.
Watch her do a dance.
I'm telling you, man. Get a wiener dog.
They're awesome.
*